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Tuesday, Jan. 04, 2005 / 8:18 p.m. ~Heavy With the Weighing~ Today proved that only one email can flip a person upside down. My cousin has invited me to move to Oregon, to stay with her, and her boyfriend, to have 'family', which she says is important as we get older, until I can find my own place, get a job, etc. The thing is, though, I've been thinking of a different kind of family, I've been thinking of making a home of my own, having my own family in someone, and moving someplace else. It seems premature, and I'm weighing all of it, but I feel this, I want this, and it fills me up just to think of the possibility. I can see a future, and I can see making someone else happy, because that is all I really want. I still vacillate, as it's just me turning all this over in my head, I haven't said anything to anyone, or if I have it's been veiled, as it is still, now, and I don't know what is going to happen, so right now it feels like a dream. A visualization. I can't imagine moving all the way across the country, unless more awaited me there, more than that. I know her, but barely, I've only met her a handful of times, my cousin, and I love that she is protective, and that she wants to be my family, and she is right, I do need family, I do need to be with people who will care for me, and about me, and love me like a good family would, but I'm not sure Oregon is where I belong. There is a lot to think about, and I've said that already, but I'll keep saying it. I have ideas, dreams, I'm visualizing, and it's incomplete, there are pieces missing, and there is a big piece that needs to be put in the right place. I'm waiting, I suppose. Meanwhile, I turned to my new cubicle neighbor and told her, "My cousin just invited me to move to Oregon!", and then, "I had to tell someone, so I told you", and she told me her district contacts are in Oregon, in Portland. I could get a job with them, surely. I figure I have two months, if I don't renew my lease for another year. I have two months to decide, to give notice, and then up to mid April to pack. If. A move across this country would cost a fortune, much more than a local or even a move of only a few hundred miles. Thinking, thinking, thinking, I want someone to tell me, decidedly, what to do. Someone I believe in, someone I trust. I love that my cousin is pulling me in, I do, but I don't have to live in her state to be her family. And my brother is here, though we never see each other anymore. Ack. Meanwhile, I taped something other than "Amazing Race" a week ago tonight. Ahhh, a week ago tonight. I turn to mush just thinking about it. Mush. Good mush. I dreamed he told me I'd gotten my closure, but I knew I'd wanted it to be a new beginning. He'd called me to tell me that, sarcastically, and I was so disturbed I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed, thinking it a nightmare. But, I taped something else is my point, and I missed the week before because it was on at a 'special time', and now I fear I am so far behind it won't make sense. But it will, yes? A race around the world, what could be easier to follow? I hope I don't end up holding my breath too much, I hope I don't feel a lump in my throat, and I hope I continue to eat well (HUGE salad tonight with all sorts of good veggies in it!), and care for me while I weigh my options. The next hurdle is work, and what happens there. We are all feeling it's going to go down soon. They will invite certain of us to stay on and the rest will be given notice. And there will be more weighing, more decisions. I wish we could talk about this. Cost of the War in Iraq
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