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2001-11-06 / 9:36 p.m. ~Two hands, to write, so I can read...~ It's unlocked, experimentally, not by any means permanently. I had to rethink the whole 'diary as public forum' concept. Since it was put forth to me, in voluminous emails and guestbook entries. I'm still not sure how I feel, but I know it's best when I don't think about it at all, when I feel free to write. It's only when someone intrudes, when someone invades, decides to tell me about myself, how selfish I am, how stupid I am, how much 'the problem' I am, that I don't want anyone at all to read my words. Anyone but a select few. I don't know what's changed, it's an experiment, as I said, to see how it feels. I wrote an entry from work, very early today, but I can't bring myself to even re-read it now, to insert the disk and remind myself what I wrote. It was dark, it was me trying to figure out what's going on with someone who writes here, someone who reads here, because I want to understand why she does what she does, why she hurts herself. It was an entry in which I explore my own dark side, or merely write of it. I described my old suicide fantasy, in detail, but I don't want to kill myself anymore, so it didn't seem right. And it doesn't seem right for me to question her, her dreams, her reality, it's not my place, and I hope she...if you're reading this, I hope you know I don't mean to criticize you, not in any way, and I want to write to you personally, but I know you're being bombarded right now, and it's the last thing you need........my heart goes out to you, I don't want you to suffer. And I don't understand why you cause yourself more pain. I hope you can find a way to end your pain, not bring more upon yourself. I'll leave it at that, for now. I'm just frustrated to read what's happening, to not be able to do anything, to see someone going down, a witness from far away, like being in a dream where you can't run, your feet won't move, and you see something terrible happening, but you are helpless...and you can't help either. I was trying to watch this new show, "24", but I couldn't get into it. Too much flash, not enough substance, trite dialogue, crazy casting (what is up with the hair on the woman who plays Keifer Sutherland's wife?), I don't know. Maybe I just can't get into new shows. Last night I watched "Gilda". I've seen that famous scene where Rita Hayworth lifts her head up, throws her hair back and says, "That's me!" or whatever....and she glows. It's a famous clip, a famous Rita Hayworth shot, the ultimate Rita Hayworth shot. They always show it. From "Gilda". So, there's the film, I must watch. And it was so......so mysterious, like something big was going on the whole time, just beneath the surface, but it wasn't. It was a lot of flash, with little substance, kind of like "24". Oh, watching Rita Hayworth and Glenn Ford was wonderful, and the sets were beautiful and art deco, her wardrobe divine, sure, but I was watching and saying, "Huh?" throughout most of it. I have to say though, I loved the glow. The GLOW. She had her own lighting, like Captain Kirk on "Star Trek", like Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, like so many stars, her own light. So, Gilda glowed. It was beautiful. (and sure, I tried to mimic that "Put the Blame on Mame" strip the glove off dance number, who doesn't?) I also watched the Emmy Awards on tape yesterday. Ellen Degeneres was excellent as host! In fact, I'm thinking she should be THE host of every awards show, from now on. Apparently the audience thought so too, as the standing O they gave her went on and on and on. She had to beg them to stop. Yeah, she was good. I loved her joke about pissing off the Taliban, how they'd surely hate seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews. I told that joke to my supervisor at work today, and I seriously had to explain it to her. "Yeah, see, because Hollywood is run by Jews, you know, and she's gay, and wearing a suit, and you know, the Taliban make their women cover up.....". She didn't find it as funny as I did. It cracked me up. Oh, I had time to watch all that yesterday because looks like I'm working 9 to 4:00 now. Yeppers. Our phones are FUCKED at work. We're a call center, but our phones are down. Two days. At least they're letting us go home early. Today we didn't have a choice. Go home! Leave! Now! Fine, you don't have to twist my arm. At least I still have some vacation and some sick time left....I pity the poor fools who used theirs all up. Silly women. Oh, the temp wasn't at work today, and I felt really comfortable without him there. Wow, do I hate men? Or is it just pretentious wannabe Jamaican men? I mean, come on, he's third or fourth generation American, why the accent? Raised in Brooklyn. Right. Anyway, it was nice it being just us gals again. We even planned a Chinese dinner for Christmas. That was my idea. I can't believe they went for it. Where should we go? Let's go to that Chinese Buffet place you guys say is so good, I still haven't been. Okay! They said Okay! So, okay then. I still haven't talked to Lulu about her son, but it sounds like her husband and her son were in a terrible car accident, and both are laid up. She is pulling double and triple duty as wife/mother/breadwinner/nurse. I think. She is very low key, I mean she still laughs a lot, but I see she is tired, and I feel bad we are not what we used to be. I wish I could be her friend. Things are getting better, I guess. I'm nowhere near as low as I was. My appetite is back, I'm craving salt (probably just early PMS), eating like a pig. And, I'm starting to clean my apt. I vacuumed the whole place today after work - okay, getting off at 4:00 is SWEET! And, I washed some of the dishes. Wow. I would've washed all, but I was uploading the march/rally photos to the action center group page. It took quite a while and I had to monitor the progress. Yeah, that's it. I had to watch "Gilmore Girls" too, so I couldn't be in the kitchen, and then I had to check out the debut of "24", but I don't like it, so I had to come here and write...see? Excuses, good ones. There's always tomorrow. You know my motto, right? "Why do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow?". Okay, so look, if we don't have phones tomorrow at work, then what? I asked the Manager that today and she got very defensive, but hey, I'm serious. No, it can't last forever, but two days in the life of a major corporation's call center for employee services is a lifetime! Right? I'm gonna watch "Real World" now. I think I'm all caught up after this weekend. And I got to see Nicole throw up all that pink alcohol twice! Oh, the dog on the side of the road? For all two of you who read it and want to know what happened???? I've held my hand up to obscure the side of the road, but I think it was taken away quickly. You know, man's best friend and all. People care when it's a dog, if it had been a cat people would've aimed for it, squished it good. Yep. Hey, Laura, if you're reading, don't give up. You need your hands to write so I can read you, you need to live because there is something you are supposed to be here for, if nothing else than to write with those hands so I can read. Dammit. Cost of the War in Iraq
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