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Sunday, Feb. 23, 2003 / 4:39 p.m. ~In Which I Ramble to the Point of Utter Futility and Cynical Despair~ Maybe I should wait until the end of the day to sit here and write about my day. Maybe I should actually DO something so that I have something worth writing about. Or maybe I should sit here and avoid doing anything constructive, write about how I have menstrual cramps, and how some freak just wrote a typo filled note in my guestbook, and how I really don't care, though normally I might, and I'm thinking of asking for time off from work, as I have three weeks this year and I feel like I need more than just the standard two days at the end of every week. I can see me lounging around in whatever I've slept in, not bathing, barely even washing my face, hanging out online on this insanely slow computer, eating microwave popcorn and wishing I still cooked elaborate recipes, watching too much TV and looking out the window at the little Mexican girls who live downstairs.... for more than just two days in a row. I have this idea that if I had more than just the two days, maybe add on a Monday and a Tuesday, or maybe a Thursday and a Friday, to the usual Saturday and Sunday, that I might take on a project, cross things off of my 'things to do' list. And if it didn't happen that way I could rationalize that I really just needed the 'rest' and that's not a bad thing, to 'rest'. The sun is shining, the wind has all but ceased, yet it's not warm like yesterday, it's only 50something, and that's not conducive to sitting on the nice clean porch that I made nice and clean yesterday. Even Norman went out and came right back in again. I wonder if the freak who signed my guestbook was doing an Interweb search for 'wide open vaginas' or 'forced anal' or 'fucking sister in law'.... I should go check. In a minute. This computer is SOOOOO slow. I was reading Bobby Burgess' entry from a couple days ago, about his new Dell laptop and its gigs of this and that and I was positively drooling with envy. The dude has a PayPal account set up so people can send him money to survive. I think he's on the West Coast now to be with this chick he's supposedly fallen in love with. I guess he's in San Francisco, looking for work. And he has the talent, I believe this, as a photographer and writer, and I believe he will be very successful, but what a way to do it. I'm rambling, I clearly have nothing to say. I feel really exhausted, and I do blame this on menstruation. It's the bleeding, the potential for anemia, even short term, it's draining, really, literally and otherwise. I'm in pain too, the hip joints, inner and outer, the lower back, it's not nice. I just read on my Yahoo! start page that George Clooney is not happy about the US push for war. I'm not sure how I feel about celebs jumping on the antiwar bandwagon. I really don't feel any antiwar sentiment, however public, is going to make a difference at this point. If Bush wasn't swayed by the efforts last weekend nothing will sway him, short of an attack by protestors on the White House itself. But Peaceniks don't attack, so that wouldn't happen. I just feel like I've dropped out, like I hardly care anymore, but not like I don't care, like I don't care to show how much I care anymore, like it really doesn't matter what I think, who I vote for, which Senator or Congressman receives a FAX or a phone call from me, or an email, and they all have in the past six months. They send a polite form letter response and add me to their email lists, and so on and so forth. And International A.N.S.W.E.R calls for an Emergency Protest against the war on March 15th and we're organizing another bus trip and I just think, Why? What difference does it make? I don't think I've ever felt quite so cynical and hopeless when it comes to politics. I'm reverting to my teenaged years when I hated the word 'politics', when I shied away from any discussion even remotely resembling politics or political leaders or 'foreign affairs'. It's futile. Nothing will change. Men will run the world, and they will fight and kill and maim and rape, it's who they are. I honestly think it's because their sex organs are on the outsdie of their bodies, and because they come equipped with a hormone called testosterone, but you're scoffing and laughing as you read that, and you're trying to remember the name of that obscure tribe in that obscure country somewhere in Africa that is run by women and you're thinking that they fight amongst themselves as well. Ah, but look at the history of this planet and its civilizations through time. All started with wars, bloody battles, and men in charge. MEN. I'm not alone in this, but I wouldn't care if I were. And I'm not suggesting the world would be a better place if it were run by women, I'm just saying men are men and this is what they do, and despite the opposition by the French (and Chirac, who is a man) and the Italians (including all of Vatican City, which is men, sexually frustrated men), and I guess the Germans too (their government is run by men), this is a man thing, not just a Bush/Powell/Ashcroft/Rumsfeld/Rice (oops, she's a woman) thing. Maybe it's easier for me to take this train, to ride this train of thought, but the older I get, the more idiocy I am witness to, the more I boil it all down to biology, all of it, and to the fact that we are all animals, and I believe in the inherent aggressive nature of the male animal. And before you tell me about the peaceful male antiwar protestors I'd have to point out how many of them express violent tendencies when they talk about the Bush administration and what they'd like to see happen to Bush et al. They're just as bloodthirsty. I'm just saying, I'm just really tired from too much sleep and the sloughing of the uterine layer accumulated to protect the egg that was never fertilized, but I have a point, and if you think about it, objectively, you may even agree, but I am not looking for that. It's my diary and I'm just writing in it. I even have this thing lately where I don't think of babies as cute and adorable and desirable 'things' to have around, I see them as miniature people. Which is what they are. But they're seen as far removed from actual humanity by most. "Oh, let's have a BABY", "Joleen, you should have a BABY", and yes, aren't they cute, but as I was saying at work when this topic came up again, as it does, and I like to tell everyone my eggs are really really old and they're all expired and such, and if I achieved conception the most likely outcome would be a miscarriage or a person consumed by 'birth defects', Downs Syndrome at the very least, but I said there are too many people on this planet as it is. The root of most of civilization's problems, in general, and this is worldwide, is overpopulation. And as you might recall, from having lived through it, or from having studied or read about it, Overpopulation was THE issue for a while there in the 1960s and 1970s. It may have been the advent of sexually transmitted diseases, like Herpes and AIDS, that pushed that issue to the back burner, but it's worse now than it was. Famine? Spread of disease? Lack of sustainable land? Look at the environmental impact in this country alone, the landfills, the garbage barges, the topsoil erosion, Jesus, it's a result of too many people. Why would I want to add an adorable baby to the mix? An adorable baby now is a mature human being later. Do we need more? I love babies, they're so cute. You should see the little Mexican girls downstairs, cute, cute, cute, little pigtails in their hair, stumbling around on legs just learning to hold them upright, cute, cute, indeed, but these are the pregnant teenagers of tomorrow. These are the welfare mothers of the future. Will they go to College? Will they be able to earn a decent wage? Will they be like their mother and get pregnant in their teens and live in an apartment they can barely afford, married to a man who installs carpeting? Cynical. Tired. Bitter. And thinking beyond the immediate. When I had sex I used birth control. I don't throw plastic and glass into the dumpster. I recycle. I see no future for the human race. 'The new boy' says he saw the events of September eleventh two thousand one as the precursor to World War Three, and he has two small children. What future for his children? He married a young woman who cannot breed. I think we've come far enough, I really do. Cost of the War in Iraq
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