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2001-07-31 / 9:58 p.m. ~Validation for Sexual Frustration~ Warning: the following contains material of a sexual nature. Hah! Sexual nature. What an interesting little phrase. Okay, so I got stoned, and I haven't gotten stoned in a long time. When was the last time? Damn, I can't remember, really, but surely it was this same weed, the same that my good friend grew in his own backyard. Only then, the last time, it must have been just a little, in my pipe, but now my pipe is clogged and I didn't have the energy to clean it, no, I wanted instant gratification, I had an urgent need to alter my consciousness, so I rolled an actual joint and I could barely smoke a quarter, no, maybe a fifth, before I was blown away. I'm amazed I can type at all. This is dedicated to YOU, Burnoutchick!! My job is killing me, plain and simple. My "relationships" with my coworkers are deteriorating, yet some still maintain on seemingly solid ground. I mentioned how I don't hold grudges well - I have this weird tendency to forgive, to want to forget, to get past it, let it go. The problem is when I perceive the other party is not so willing. So, in my paranoia/insecurity I've been thinking A. hates me, Linda is not only evil, but she plays with my affections, K. merely humours me, P. is genuine, but silent, in general, and L., well, I thought we'd be buds, but she insulted me and that I can't forget. I want to get past that one, but every time I think I've got it licked I realize she seems mad at me, and I can't think of what I've done to her. (You're waiting on the sex part, aren't you?) I told A. all about it today, I drew a picture with my finger on the counter, pointed out the dance we're all dancing, the little cliques amongst us, how I feel like I'm in some girls' school or something, something worse than high school, how I really can't stand it, how I've got to get out. Yeah, Dante, man, you were so fucking right - I think of it all the time now, it's just so perfect: Hell=Proximity without intimacy. Yeah, every day. I forget I can't open my mouth, I forget someone will be unnecessarily offended, I state my opinion, and I have so many (!), then I stop, recognize overstepped bounds, I recoil, oh, it was so wrong, I never should've opened up to these people, but being surrounded, so close, so fucking close, and not being able to talk, to converse, to share, to express myself - I feel like I'm bound and gagged, and not in a good way. Oh, bound? In a good way? Is this where I start to talk about sex? Let's see.......I think of sex much as Bill Clinton thinks of sex. If I give a blow job I don't consider I've had sex. If someone were to go down on me (see, it's sex, go now if you're offended, okay?), I wouldn't count him/her as a sexual partner, unless we engaged in orifice filling. Well, penis/vagina contact, "intercourse", is sex, to me. That said, I've had "sex" twice in the past 2 1/2 years. Two different partners, basically one night stands. Um, I'm a little frustrated. I'm in my supposed sexual peak here, and I haven't been in a "relationship" for almost three years, and that ended very badly, like really badly, like I won't even really talk here about how I felt, badly. Right, I'm skimming the surface, I'm not getting to my point, and I do have one. A lot of things happened three years ago, upheaval, four years ago too, a move, a change of abodes, a new job, major financial stress, then a lover or two, one I believed I loved, and yeah, lots of sex. I wasn't necessarily better off then than now, but now, as my ex-faithful reader pointed out to me, yes, I'm in a rut. Sexual, career, home life, yes, a lot is sliding, I'm lost, in a little boat on a grand sea, waves lapping gently, lulling me into deadly complacency, but dammit, I want to get out! I want to get someplace. My soul is shriveling up inside of me. Right, my point (see, getting stoned means I have no focus, I am far too relaxed, I can't remember anything I try to remember, especially if it's a fleeting thought): I casually picked up the paper at work today, no reason, maybe to read my horoscope, and there, in the Living Section, on the second page, in the health report, I see this headline: 'Involuntary celibacy' depressing, GSU study finds When I showed it to A. I laughed, as I was reading it to her, I said "DUH!" a few times too. It seemed so obvious, I couldn't believe someone actually commissioned a study, a University actually got someone to pay for them to research this.....or did they volunteer? Either way, their findings are now in the current issue of the Journal of Sex Research. You knew there was a Journal of Sex Research, right? So, here's a little quote from today's blurb: Doing without sex can do a number on your self-esteem unless it's your choice to be celibate, a new Georgia State University study says. Sociologists Denise Donnelly and Elisabeth Burgess queried 82 people who identified themselves as "involuntarily celibate". They concluded that people who desire sexual intimacy but for various reasons do without it can lapse into depression. Many of the self-described celibates were dissatisfied, frustrated or angry if they hadn't had sex in the past six months. Participants in the study filled out confidential questionnaires. Responses came from heterosexuals, bisexuals, homosexuals and transsexuals, single and with partners........ It goes on, but only just a little bit, to say that unhappy people stay in relationshps for various reasons. But, I felt so validated, yet I felt those findings were so obvious it was ridiculous. Still, I pointed it out to A., who didn't see the humour. She is too young. I've been saying all this for months now. I've been pointing out my anger, I've been feeling the hell of all this proximity without intimacy, no emotional intimacy, no sexual intimacy, nothing. It is hell, and the physical is just one aspect, one serious aspect. Yes, masturbation keeps me in touch with what's possible, but that can be depressing on its own, a tease of sorts. So, A. says I should just go to a club, and it's times like that I realize how little she gets, how she just doesn't know me at all, does she? The last two times were one night stands - Jesus fucking Christ! If I wanted more of those I would have no problem. They're a dime a dozen, maybe less than that. Men are so easy, it's not at all hard to get one to have sex with me. That's not the point. Yes, I want sex, and no, I don't know that I "need" it, I don't want to "need" it, but I know that not having it is doing its own number on me. It is a lowering of self esteem. I have been considered very attractive to men, I have had many sex partners, I have been a very sexual being, enjoyed most of the sex I've had very much, and yes, would love to have a lot more, but I am not going to pick up stray men here and there just so I can fuck. It's more than that, at this point. I would like to be truly desired, and loved. Gasp! Yeah, I requre both, sex and love, or least sex with potential. However.........A.'s idea did kind of spark a burning ember, made me think a bit, reminded me of who I've been, and made me think maybe things are possible after all, that maybe if I get out a little bit more, go to clubs that I like going to anyway, one never knows. Of course I told her that was ridiculous, that no one who meets in a club forges any sort of relationship, and I'm at least mostly sure that that is what I want, sex, yeah, but in a relationship. But after that little opening up episode, sharing with A. and Karen, and Karen feels some of what I feel, and we shared too, she and I, I felt alone and isolated again. Linda fucked with me, talking to me, then shunning me, saying in whispers to A. that she couldn't believe so and so said such and such, and that was SO mean, and then she did her little humming thing the rest of the day, evolving into full fledged talking to herself, and I wanted to scream, I really did, I wanted to hurl an object across the room, and I felt I'd burst into tears at the sheer frustration of feeling so helpless, of a total lack of control, and thought again that maybe I just need to get laid. Would that do it? Would it help to seduce someone and make him want me, and maybe it could be my turn to run when it's over? I could be the one to take off in the morning, and I could be the one to say, "I'll call you"??? Maybe I need to hook up with Writtenanon - read his entry from 7-31.......... I listened to Jeff Buckley's "Grace" again. I need to tape it so I can listen to it in the Easy-Bake car. I want to listen to him every day. Cost of the War in Iraq
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