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Sunday, May. 15, 2005 / 3:27 p.m. ~Some Innocuous Subject Line Like... Waiting for the Rain to End and Don't Forget the Breath Mints~ It's raining again, hard. And I really was honestly and sincerely quite seriously considering planning to go to the grocery store. Now I'm thinking, well, there is dry cat food, they wouldn't die if they ate only the dry for a day. And there is the 24 hour grocery store, so I could go after the rain passes, and no I won't melt, but I don't want to deal with carting groceries from the car to the stairs, and then up the stairs, especially if it's raining on top of all that. And I don't ever shop at the 24 hour grocery store, so it would be too weird, too foreign, and I don't know if they have the same products I usually buy. So, I can take time to write here. I went out last night, by myself, the usual dinner and a movie thing, though this was an indie movie happening, followed by Q&A with director and producers, a very cool 'event', i.e. 'happening', as I say, and then takeout from my favorite Thai place. I picked up a menu from the Thai restaurant recommended quite heartily by my favorite local restaurant reviewer, but felt far too shy to sit and eat there, or even sit to wait for takeout, using my cell instead to call and order from the usual place. I can be so shy sometimes. It's hard to be alone, it really is, and that is what hit me hard after the movie, after picking up the food and driving back home. That I always do these things alone, which is not true, we know, I just went out with SixWeasels and her husband Friday night, but they were so great, so fun, and I really liked her, but she doesn't live here. And my friend Hermione lives Out West, and my friend Amy lives in Maryland, and even my good friend Leigh lives too far away for us to get together very often, though she is right here. I just feel no closeness, no intimacy with anyone, and as soon as I say that to myself I realize I keep people at a distance, I totally freak out if I start to get that close to people, even boyfriends/lovers. When we reach that point where I feel I'm sharing a deep part of myself I step back, I can't do it. So, it's not you, baby, it's me. As they say. Still, I really want to do things with people, regularly. Not just when a fellow Diarylander is in town for a while, but I'd love to be able to hang out with someone and when we drive by an enticing outdoor cafe we say, "Hey, let's pull over and go get a drink there", or "That place looks nice, you hungry?, me too, let's grab a bite", things like that, but then I wonder at the time it takes to develop a feeling of comfort and wanting to be with specific people, and I think maybe I am best off alone, making my own plans, living according to my own schedule, whims, desires. Who's to say? Only I am. But after hanging out with people, then realizing it's just me after all, they're gone, I think I feel a bit lonelier, if that's possible. Not so alone, for a while, then back to the ultimate aloneness that is my life in general. And again, I've set it up this way, there is no one to blame, if blame is due, but myself. Besides all of that, I enjoyed the documentary film last night, and talking to the director after, even after the official Q&A, was really cool. And I got my favorite Thai food, and they are the only people that cook up the Garlic Pepper Tofu, I know this to be true, so I have no regrets, except the taste in my mouth the morning after I eat the stuff. Wow, what is up with that?! It's awful. I brushed my teeth, of course, I floss too, but holy moly. And I have leftovers. I hope I don't have to talk to anyone at the grocery store later. See? I'm gonna go, I am. No, really. Just thinking is all. It's not easy to be alone, and to be strong. And I think all the walls I have surrounding my psyche are set in place for good reasons. I can't let them down without very good reason, so that doesn't happen often. And then when I'm with people like SixWeasels and her husband, and I like them a lot, like I do, I tend to talk about all the inappropriate things, like sex and body functions, and the things that spill out of my mouth probably should not, and then I think, Oh my god, I'm a freak! Like when I was talking to Leigh and heard myself sounding like a total neurotic, and had to point it out, because I am, and the older I get, and the more I live alone and spend most of my life alone, the more indiosyncratic and neurotic my behavior, in general, and I see it, I hear it, I watch it all happening like I can control it if I want to, but do I? Do I find myself more charming becuase of what a freak I am? And then notice that the men who find me charming are total freaks themselves, witness the total creep who nearly assaulted me when I was out Friday night! And the men I honestly like seem to run from me as fast as they can. Is it any wonder? Ah, well, I have a job interview, sort of, tomorrow, a meeting with a staffing agency person, the one who sent me out on an interview while I was still working, and has yet to meet me, and I realize she wants to see what I look like, feel my handshake, check out my 'interview' attire, which sucks, and no, I won't make an effort to play the game. So this won't be terribly good, though I was very excited when we set it up on Friday, very very. That was the money and the hours of the job she is trying to staff, that was exciting, the corporate atmosphere is not. Can't do it, won't do it. Waste of time? Perhaps, yes. I got THREE letters in the mail yesterday (could have been Friday, I didn't check Friday's mail) from the department of labor, so I will be getting my benefits (must file claim again today, thank god I just remembered! - every Sunday I have to), and I think I'll use them, the DOL for their reemployment services. I want to aim lower, I do. Yes, yes, I need money, will I go back to college for the degree I never got?, no, will I play the game and go to Salvation Army to buy a suit?, no, I can't be who I'm not. I just spent seven years in a job that sucked my soul from me, and totally changed who I am as a human being, for the money, I did it for the money, and I can't do that again. This is depressing, I think, so I'll go get ready to shop (after I file my weekly claim!), and get the cats their food, eat more garlicky tofu, and try not to knock people out of their shoes with my breath (must remember to keep mouth closed and filled with Altoids). Cost of the War in Iraq
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