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Tuesday, Dec. 30, 2003 / 11:58 p.m. ~The Year End Wrap Up - Sans Actual Questions~ Hey, it's New Year's Eve! That's kind of an exciting thing to be able to say, as it's always such a big deal, such a big night, and for what? Why? It has such glamorous, such hopeful connotations, so much meaning, but it is just another night. Alas, now it is still the early morning, and not yet the night at all. However, I neglected to write earlier, so I think I may set the clock back and pretend it's not really 12:18 a.m. - we'll make it 11:58, how's that? Ah, through the magic that is the Diaryland diary update page, I've now gone back in time. I wanted to try to answer the end of the year questions going around, as it's all the rage, and as I thought it might be fun, possibly enlightening even, but I don't think I have the memory for it. I suppose I could look through my diary archive and jog it a bit, but what's the point? From memory? I went to D.C., three times, to protest my government's preemptive actions against Iraq. I was a protestor, I was passionate and vocal and I did what I felt I could. I got 'on the bus', three different times, and it felt good, it felt pointless, but I did it, becuase I felt I had to. I am burned out on the National Protest Scene. But... there's a BIG pro-choice demo in March, or April, and I'm considering it. What else happened in '03? I somehow tore up my groin, wasn't able to bend my leg, but it's just finally feeling like I can sit in a half lotus again, and I'm gingerly trying to get on the floor from time to time to stretch it out. I also had a scare with my salivary glands, but I think it turned out to be the toothpaste I was using, and I discontinued it. Speaking of that, I went to the dentist for the first time in about 8 years, and it was great. I loved getting my teeth cleaned, and even finding out I had a hole in an old filling and had to have it replaced was good. Getting 'checked out' was good. Taking care of my health was good. My job went through a lot of changes this year. New/old supervisor, loss of coworkers, lots of drama, quitting, firing, then my supervisor having a nervous breakdown and taking leave for three months, then arguing with my manager and being 'written up', wanting to walk out, managing to stay strong, and keep my job, then finding out our job was disappearing and some of us would be laid off, but finding out I'd be asked to stay, along with my least favorite coworker, Kukla. So much has changed. New site manager too, and he has already helped me so much, and I crush upon him, as he is worldly, intelligent, possesses a mean vocabulary and is so articulate he makes my head spin when he talks. Plus, he's fast, he's short, he moves quickly, darts around, and he is able, skilled, talented, can use his hands and his brain. I let Mark go this year, again. The roses at Valentine's Day did it, I think. I miss him sometimes, but he was never more than a mirror for me to see the best of myself, and while that was good, it wasn't enough, there was not enough balance, and I was so sorry to hurt him, to force him away, but that pushing was so necessary. We could never be what he wanted, because I didn't want it. Two people must want the same thing or it will never work. Special days weren't special. My birthday came and went, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, all the big days. I've been alone, and trying desperately, and often succeeding, in being happy with that. I've built a little life for myself, a cocoon in which to cozy up and encase myself, and it's been good. I emerged recently and immediately got myself into trouble, and in the land of journals and diaries that are online, I turned it into something quite melodramatic, when really it was a little thing. But I felt a lot. I want so much, and I know what I want, and if I get a taste I only want more, but I am not easy to embark on these sorts of things, and I expect all that comes in the future to be a repeat of the past. I could stand to learn that the future cannot be predicted so easily, and not everyone will be just like someone I've already known, someone who's already hurt, or whom I've already hurt. I've also immersed myself in presidential politics, becoming somewhat intimate with the policies of the nine democratic candidates, and tried, however briefly, to become very much more involved, even in campaigning. I lacked the courage of my convictions, and was reluctant to socialize. This year has been a balancing act of sorts, of trying to remain a hermit, trying to live a life alone and accept, embrace it, and hoping that I could enjoy a circle of friends with shared interests. I've yet to find that balance. I seek balance. I know the highs and the lows, and I can live in a happy median, but that's a challenge to maintain. I'm working on it. Slowly. I also tried to be creative this year, tried the novel writing thing, got up to some 13,000 words, if memory serves correctly, but it was a poor choice of subject matter (fictionalized autobiography), and I gave up. I haven't even gone back and opened the document to reread. It turned out to be a bit painful to write. But I still think about it. There was also the matter of this PC, breaking it in early January (what hell!), going back to the 486, the 14.4 modem, the patience, then getting the computer dude at work to fire it back up (what joy!) - then installing software, using the cheap digital camera, etc. Fun times. I remember the Summer was hot, and my neighbors came and went. The Mexicans downstairs, the ones who'd sprawled all over the stairs, the parking lot, and had five vehicles or so between them, finally moved out, and this was good. Our leasing office closed, and this was weird, and made it hard to receive packages, but I ordered via Interweb anyway, and anxiously awaited packages, CDs, and gourmet food that arrived frozen, books, etc. I didn't save money this year, no more than usual, but I remain financially solvent, debt free, and this still feels good. I don't find myself wanting for much, other than a new car, and I treat myself to elaborate takeout dinners, gourmet groceries, and funky political tshirts. And new tie dyes! I almost forgot, I attended a three day music festival this year, saw Bob Dylan live, finally, and Buddy Guy, Sheryl Crow, Joe Cocker, so many others, it was wonderful, and I did it alone and was not afraid. I even danced. I danced a lot this year. I reconnected with as many people as I let go, and this felt good, heartening, filled my soul. I have people who care aobut me, and though they're not terribly close, not always, and some not physically, they're there. My friend Amy had a baby, on Earth Day, and my friend Hermione is now pregnant with her second child. I am so happy for these wonderful women, and their children are so beautiful, their husbands so loving and understanding. I love them and envy what they have simultaneously. We had storms, we had pollen in Spring, we had heat in Summer and Autumn was beautiful as ever. I went to the Zoo and took pictures of the pandas and the gorillas. We had an earthquake too, my first ever, and it woke me from my sleep, long enough to surmise what it was. It has been an interesting year after all. We attacked a country, we killed thousands of innocent civilians, and many hundreds of our own people died. Our country is being devastated by a corporate influenced regime, out for nothing but power, hegemony, imperialism and terror of its own, but hopefully we can change all that. I remain optimistic in spite of myself, and I strive for more. I have a few years left, I know, and I suppose I'd like to make a difference of some kind, I'd like to help those who need help, or animals who can't help themselves. I hope we change the way we raise animals for slaughter, or stop slaughtering them altogether. I feel we can change the way we live, rely less on foreign oil, oil as energy, we can change our lives, and I recycle still, I do what I can. I try to teach others. It's not all about some small event, and my reaction to it, it's about a large circle of life, an ecosystem involving us all, and it's ongoing, it's not just one year. But it has been a year, and the biggest difference will be new calendars, and writing 04 instead of 03, but I do hope to wipe a certain slate clean, start fresh, and put a lot behind me. I have things to accomplish yet, on my own and with others. Love and romance are not part of the picture, they only serve to distract. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but I make an exception now, and here, to resolve to work on myself, as I'd been doing, to grow spiritually, and to help others, to try to affect positive change, in this country and around the world, through education and dissemination of information, and any other way I can, really. I also hope to visit my cousin in Washington, or in Germany, wherever she is going to be. Lest I forget, along with the births, I lost my Uncle this year, and this was really hard for me, as he was my last remaining close relative. I have my cousin now, and we are in touch often - she seems really wonderful - so there is hope and things are positive, and there are long term and short term goals. Cost of the War in Iraq
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