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Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005 / 10:27 p.m. ~Weekend In Review - Who the Hell Cares?~ Anything good and positive I felt, on the one front, is gone. It's just a feeling I get, whether right or wrong, and it no doubt stems from not knowing for certain. Enigmatic? Not really. I did start rewriting my resume, so that's good, and I did a couple loads laundry, cleaned out one whole drawer, as mentioned yesterday (yawn!), and today washed dishes, watched some "GL"s on tape, and the movie "The Uninvited", which is good and a bit spooky (did actually make me shiver a bit on occasion), ordered Chinese eat-in last night, and today's leftovers were very good and terribly awful. The chicken was not so very good, and maybe because they used thigh meat, or cat, could have been dog, not sure, but it wasn't lovely white chicken breast meat, and it had that nasty cartilage that one must spit out of one's mouth and try to bury in one's napkin, and this sort of ruins the entire experience. I won't eat the rest of it, but I saved it in the fridge. Odd, that, but I suppose I don't want it coming to room temp and stinking up the garbage. Conversely, as mentioned, the very good part was the Curry Tofu, and this I shall order again, and could eat in a copious amount again, now, as it was fabulous. This restaurant, new to me, cannot seem to get the hang of steamed rice, though, and this was a shame. I like the sticky Chinese restaurant rice, but this was more like boiled, and not of a good flavor. Last night was falling asleep on the sofa, leaving the television on all night, trying to get comfy and stay that way, with two cats curled 'round me. It was "Final Destination" when I fell asleep, and an apparent John Wayne marathon that woke me up. That, and a dream that someone had moved all my furniture out of my apartment, and not as part of an eviction, but a man moving me in with him. A bit of a nightmare before I realized what was happening. I'm leaning more toward staying in this apartment. Possibly forever. And maybe I'll be offered up a part of the new contract, on the job front, so I won't have to worry too much about the job search. I want not to worry so much, not to have so much to consider, as it turns out I don't like too many choices. I have a hard time making decisions, and the constant uncertainty has been most unsettling. Ah, tomorrow is work, and it feels like I've barely had any time off at all. Other than a movie or two, or half and one, and an episode of "Taxicab Confessions", some writing online and reading in the same, very few household chores and marathon sleep sessions, I've not done a thing, and it's glorious. I love this time. I feel disassociated, but I love time to do solely as I please. I remember well the sensation of never having to go anywhere or do anything at all that was not of my own choosing, or to necessitate the maintenance of the lifestyle I'd chosen, but there was money to aid in that, and that money is gone. Would that I'd saved it all up and now it could be some million or so, but I did not, and no regrets there, but still, I crave that lifestyle once more. Sleeping days, staying up late into the night, typing madly on my word processor, listening to music, or reading, watching late night TV, cooking in afternoons, spending hours poring over recipes and writing down all the ingredients to shop. Cleaning, and keeping things in order, loving my home, living in my home, and leaving for excursions, bicycle rides that left me panting and in a drenched sweat, movies, first run, cheap at early shows on Fridays. I miss my life, I miss what I was, and what I had. I hate this life now, this hand to mouth, this exhaustion and nothing left for me. It all seems such a waste. And getting hopes up that someone else could take me away, and that I could find happiness in a love that isn't even real, but a dream of what love can be. Why? I've sunk, again, briefly I hope. But I need to get back to my own inner strength, and I tend to lose that when I start hoping, wishing, for something else, with someone else. It's about me, I need to stop forgetting. I will figure something out here, and hopefully soon. Decisions need to be made by the end of this month, but I think I have already decided. Funny how I thought I could handle so much change, and for what? I feel I have drifted back down to earth, like a feather that had risen on a slight breeze. It wasn't enough of a gust to carry me far, and then it disappeared altogether. I look forward to sleeping again. Cost of the War in Iraq
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