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Saturday, Feb. 19, 2005 / 6:22 p.m. ~I Will Never Understand~ This is how this goes, and I hope I can adequately express myself here. What I do not understand, what never ceases to amaze me, is how people can wound other people, verbally, and then be angry when the wounded person is hurt. Say I tell you that I am repulsed by you, no, you repulse me, and your reaction is 'wow, no one has ever said that before, that's pretty harsh, hey, I mean wow', and I say, 'yeah, well, maybe it's the wrong word, but I don't know if I can deal with you', and then you try to explain what type of person you are, and I say, 'yeah, well, I'll give you another chance not to repulse me, I think I like you'. Then, say I'm hanging on to that, and I even tell you I'll never forget it, no one has ever said I repulse him or her before, that's a horrible word, that's pretty awaful, no, that's deep deep wounding there, but I like you too, and well, it's only been a few hours, and I'm still holding on to it, and I'm going to point out someone who was kind and caring and doesn't find me repulsive, and say, 'hey, look at this guy, he is nice, see?' Then, then, then, say you are furious with me for not letting it go. And why would that be? Why would you think you can slap me around, and knock me to the ground, and leave me there bruised and torn, bleeding, and grab my hand and lift me to the side, so now I'm sitting, and throw some gauze at me before you walk away, and the next day I tell you it sure does sting, this big bruise over my eye especially, why would you think that then you could walk out the door and slam it behind you, angry because I am still in some pain? What is that about? Why do people do that? I have seen it more times in my life than I care to count. People who hurt me and then become angry with me for being hurt. No, no one has ever beat me and left me lying on the floor, but the analogy stands as good. Beware people who claim to care, and then wound deeply and run away when they realize they've left an impact. Maybe it's guilt? Is that what it is? Is it an inability to face the fact that they are not so good inside, that they are not the people they think they are, that maybe they step into other people's lives and leave really negative impacts and this is too much to bear? I don't know, I'll never really get it, and I'm not sure I want to. I honestly don't know why destructive people enter my life, hurt me, and turn on me as soon as I let them know they've hurt me. The coworker did it too. It was so bizarre. I told her once that she'd hurt my feelings, and she flipped out, said she didn't want to deal with me anymore. And it was just like that, I'm glossing over nothing at all. I told her, 'hey, when you said that, about how you'd never work for me if I had to be your boss, that really hurt my feelings', and she responded, 'I have to walk on eggshells around you and I won't do it', and she's barely talked to me since. She hates to make eye contact with me, yet I see her every day, five days a week. We were friends, outside of work, we went to the state fair, and a crafts show, and a food festival, and a movie in the park, she brought me fruit to work, and I was going to cook dinner for her. She was my confidante, my friend, but now she is a woman who won't look me in my eye... because she hurt me and I told her it hurt. Is this guilt? Does guilt do this to people? Are people who hurt other people so angered by what they've done that they can no longer face the one they've wounded? Is that why they run and hide and can't look me in the eye? Interesting. If you run, you weren't meant to be in my life, and know that I've had nothing but a life filled with people coming and going, due to death mostly, but due to just this phenomenon, the guilt inflicted by my pain. And who should be sorry, who should be offering up the apologies, and to whom? You should be telling me you are sorry, that you never meant to hurt me, you should be offering up your shoulder for me to cry on, you should be giving me a big hug and saying you never meant that I repulse you, you meant that you are not strong enough to know me. But you run and you hide instead. And I wish I'd never felt your cold heart's wrath. I wish I'd never known any of you. What did I do in my former lives to deserve the people who come in to slap me around, knock me to the ground, beat me, kick me while I'm there, and then leave me when I tell them it hurts. Hey, it hurts, I'm not on the ground because I like the view, you put me here, and I'm in pain, no need to make it worse, hold me, make it better, don't leave me here. Just analogies. I go with them sometimes, but they're just analogies. This, this is why I am alone in this life. People are kept at a safe distance, no one gets in, trust me, no one gets in. And I tell you all how you never know me, and you never will, and it's because there is no way I would let you get close enough to see the mushy center. No way you will ever get close enough to tear the insides out too. Alas, I am now 'repulsive', and the one who said it did not apologize to me, but she ran when she saw me holding that word out to the world, "LOOK, SHE THINKS I'M REPULSIVE, DO YOU THINK I'M REPULSIVE TOO?!", she ran because her guilt got the best of her, and best it did. Best it did. She is not who she thinks she is, and that's sad for anyone who knows her, but I wish she'd never come in to my life to do that to me. Cost of the War in Iraq
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