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Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 / 7:24 p.m. ~Jury-Rigged and Jerry-Built~ Should we start with the highlights? I did cut my nails last night, or what some might say, I 'manicured' them, and yes, I always do it myself, I have since my mother stopped doing it when I was a teenager, because she died, and therefore I was left to my own fingernail cutting, i.e. manicuring devices. I don't believe in paying someone to remove any growth on my body, hair, nails, anything really. It's just an idiosyncracy, I suppose. And tonight I came home and cried, of course, and then I washed all the dishes. Really, I'm surprised I made it home without crying, and I did start in the parking lot at the Publix, right as the wind was blowing my hair all in my face and wouldn't stop, and I was feeling so pitiful and so installed in my rut, buying my Friskies canned food and my cat litter, and thinking of my cats, and how it's going to get so much worse before it's over. At lunch I came home and ate a Whole Foods Chicken Adobo Burrito, and it was amazing, but Gladys drank too much water and threw up quite violently (I wanted to post about it using vast amounts of alliteration, but all I could think of was violently vomited, or vehemently violently vomited vociferously, so I give up on that bit of creativity), and I gave her a quarter of a Pepcid AC, and saw how white her gums are, and hugged her tightly, worrying, so much worrying. I got my auto tag pay by mail bill in the mail today. Bad sentence, bad vocabulary there, but how to say it, how to call it? What it means is I have just over thirty days to get an emissions test for my vehicle so that I may obtain yet one more year's legality, and I know that car won't pass. Not right now. And, what started me crying, what really set it all into motion? It's making that noise again. The one that sent me to the mechanic last week in the first place, or actually Friday before last week began, and then had me terrified to drive it, and staying at work all last week instead of going home at lunch, until he got the parts and replaced the front suspension and I picked it up on Thursday when he was through and was so happy it was fixed, but guardedly happy, truthfully filled with buyer's remorse, and worried, more with the worrying, about how much I've spent on this piece of shit car in the past two months, and how it's not worth a quarter of what I've spent. Really, right now, really, everything sucks, it just does. I'd be hard pressed (mucho cliches in this entry) to think of something good. Wait, I just thought of something! "Amazing Race", the seventh installment, starts shortly. Tonight is the night. And Norman is playing right now, or playful, trying to get me to join in, head butting me and such, but I never know the rules, how to play, the object of the game, so it doesn't last long when I try. I give up too quickly. Brief pause to clean up some vomited sisal rope I just saw on the carpet. Norm eats it off the scratchpost and throws it up all around the apt. Honestly, I want to streamline. I want never to have another 'pet' when these girls are gone, and I want to get rid of a lot of my possessions. I am so tired of maintaining everything. Highlights. Isn't this fun? I pissed off my coworker at the end of the day, as I looked over the top of our cubicle wall, our shared wall, and saw piles of papers still on her 'stand', and asked, "Have those been keyed yet?!", and she told me to sit down and leave her alone, and yes, they had been, and she was lying, and the thing is this, I am losing any respect I thought I had for her. She does not do her work. She comes in talking on her cell phone, she talks on the phone all day, she emails constantly, her husband, her friends, god knows, and she doesn't even begin to work until it's almost time to go. She carries her work over 'til the next day, and that is a HUGE no-no. It's plain WRONG. Meanwhile, I'm working my ass off, I'm picking up everyone else's slack, and I'm thinking I'm desired, I'm important, because I was asked to stay on for a month, and turns out everyone was asked, including her. Giant pig fuck. Here's a positive, I listened to good music today, mostly in the form of Madonna's album "Music". I listened to the song "Amazing" about ten times, or more, and the song "Gone" about half that. Then I came home and played it again while I washed dishes. One might say I really like it. I feel like I want to buy copies and give them to people. Here, listen to this!, I'll say. I even posted the lyrics to those two songs, elsewhere. Shall I here, as well? Hmmmmm............ Nah. Online searches are easy, if you want to read the lyrics, you can. Let me just say, they're appropos, those two songs, I mention, most appropos. Norm's in the litter, I'll need to scoop again soon. Two cats, one box, kidney disease galore, gallons of water drunk, some vomited vociferously and violently, some excreted, all fucking day long, and this is my life. I go to work, I come home, I scoop, I clean the carpet, I go back to work, I work hard, I come home, I scoop some more, I write about it online, you read it, and I watch a TV show or two, and look for good movies on cable, seldom finding any. I pay my bills, on time, I order takeout a lot, my car breaks a lot, I get it fixed every so often, more lately. Everything I own is old and breaking down. Everything needs repair, everything is jury-rigged (click on that link to find that it is not 'jerry-rigged' after all, it's a nautical term - but could be 'jerry-built', and that would be more in line here, but no, rigged, not built), including my modem on/off switch which is now held in the 'on' position by duct tape and a toothpick. I feel like I'd like to start over. Really. Everything, just press some 'stop' button and 'refresh', to use computer terms, or just, ah, I don't know. I'm a hopeful person, in spite of myself, it's bound to get better, right? Everything? Right? **Edited to add: I was so self absorbed I completely forgot to mention the snow. It snowed overnight last night, and when I left to go to work I was surprised by a winter wonderland, very pretty fluffy stuff covering the trees. It melted quickly, but it snowed on and off all day, and sent all of us scurrying to the windows at work to look out at it. Nice. Even when everything seems so horrible and miserable, there's always something that makes it worthwhile. Cost of the War in Iraq
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