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Wednesday, Mar. 23, 2005 / 6:52 p.m. ~Drained~ There is a bird chirping loudly just outside my window. The window in the bedroom is open, and I heard people laughing and talking while I lay on the bed to monitor the cats as they ate their supper. The weather is slowly changing, warming, the days getting longer, and we knew this would happen. It was a beautiful day. I think I worked, I seem to remember it. I am a bit stuck, again, and still, inside my mind, but I seek distractions. At times my fantasy is this, I cancel my phone service, my Interweb account, my digital cable television. I put fans in the windows to bring in the air from outside, and I sit to read books in the evenings. I play old records on the stereo, getting up to change them, to flip them over and hear the other sides, while I read. I read. Music and books, and I cook recipes that seem too difficult upon first inspection. No, the real fantasy involves a big desk, a wonderful place to sit and write, with good light. And time. And freedom. I think nothing that was supposed to happen today did, astrologically speaking. By week's end I should be rather disappointed. I long to go out to a movie and a dinner, at my two favorite places, the movie place, the dinner place. It has been too long. In the space of about fifteen minutes I had a conversation with my favorite coworker today, the one who's the most intelligent, free thinking and open minded, spanning nearly every hot topic of the day. It felt fantastic to let it all out. We went from Schiavo to Weise and back again, and I'm sure we would have hit on social security and bankruptcy had I not felt conspicuous standing at her cubicle for so long. She said she likes debating with me, she likes that we take nothing personally, but I felt we were agreeing on all of it. She used the word 'fuck', the first time I'd heard her say it, and I was surprised yet pleased. It's the most appropriate word, on so very many occasions. The cats miss their scratching post, they see it outside on the porch, and I thought I should go buy more sisal to re-wrap it, tonight after work, but I found myself driving stright home instead. I also pictured going to buy a new scratch post, something fancy and big, professionally manufactured, but I've seen how expensive they are. I'd love to have another boyfriend who can build us one instead. I should take out a personal ad: seeking new boyfriend with carpentry skills, must be able to build scratch post and playscape for my cats, and know where my clitoris is and what to do with it - it would also help to appreciate a passionate and emotional woman who will give you all she's got, once she deems you worthy. I can leave some of that out, but I need to add the carpentry part to my online profiles that are already out there. I'll put it on Friendster, for example, and MySpace. Yeah, I'm out there, I need to work it a bit more. Or, at all, I should say. My eyes hurt. I need to spend more time outside. I want to go camping, hiking, whitewater canoeing. I want to feel the rush of adrenalin, and smell pine, and the earth, and hear bugs and birds in a mad cacophany of natural sound. Soon, I think. Soon. I almost bought a lottery ticket today, but I had to stand in line behind someone at the Publix customer service counter, one of those people who is so obese she can't walk, but she rides around in a little motorized cart. I grew tired of waiting while the CSR flipped through some index file looking for... something, and decided maybe I don't need to pretend I can win the lottery, not anymore. I find I'm saying 'never' a lot. I'm remembering sitting with him and saying, "I'll never see you again, this is it, I am not going to be a part of your life, this is the last time we'll ever see each other", and him saying, "No one knows the future", but I knew, and I know now. Never. Never that, and that, and that too, and never again THAT, especially. Ah well, I must complete some chores, some household tasks done daily, and pursue foodstuffs, though my appetite is waning. I think I am totally drained. Cost of the War in Iraq
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