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Monday, Mar. 21, 2005 / 7:16 p.m. ~The Storm That Wasn't~ There was no storm, there wasn't even any rain, and it was warm and the sky had soft gray clouds in horizontal stripes across the sky, blue as defining lines between them. It was fine, and everything went smoothly, as if planned. I turned down a chance at a low paying call center job, and I should have no regrets, and a few of us got online and applied for media jobs, and uploaded our resumes, and registered and created passwords, and one said again how difficult it is, how she feels she needs a class in how to apply for a job online. Not everyone knows which side of the mouse to click, and whether this time it's a single or a double click at that. It's all so natural to me now, uploading, downloading, copying, pasting, keyboard shortcuts, emoticons, as if I've lived my life online the past seven years. It is entirely possible I have. If I spend a weekend inside, if I never even take a bath, or a shower, if I fall asleep on the sofa, because I can, and wake in the middle of the night to wonder if I should get up to wash my face, and answer myself, no, it really doesn't matter, and relish online chats and comments exchanged, and uploaded self portraits of me with my cats, and think how afraid I am to drive my car, and how I hate the traffic in the metro area, it's fine, I am entertained for hours here, for days. Books, television, videos, a library, literally. Music in all formats, 45 rpm, 78 rpm, the good old 33 1/3, and cassettes, CDs, food, cats, cuddly fluffy cats, and mementos for days, why should I leave? I am the extroverted misanthropic hermit after all, no cat lady here, no spinster, just a happy eccentric, when in my element. It's all quite fine, really, or better. And today, getting back out, the car starting when it should, and stopping, and making the worst sounds when accelerating on a turn, but work to do, and people to talk to, on occasion, and time to goof off, and surf the 'web, and apply for jobs online, in the cube, and check email obsessively, and look at my cell phone hoping it rings, and when it does ring answering, "Hello?"... It was a day, and I only had four hours sleep, or less, but I made it, and my hair looked fabulous, and I love going to work every day in jeans and sweatshirts or thermals, t-shirts, sneakers, and oddly enough, sometimes, I want this to keep on going, as much as I am ready for it to end, for the change to get here as soon as it can, or faster, I want it to keep going. Friday the first wave leaves the office. There are boxes everywhere and we are racing to finish this, and that, and rumor has it we have a celebration, a party, and let's hope it involves more free food. As odd as it all feels now, it feels exciting to sit calmly and watch it all happen, only inserting myself if I have to. Competent, not yet afraid, and one reminded me again, today, "Don't forget your severance, you can always use your severance", because I had, forgotten, already. If I stop, now, I feel the exhaustion. Brie with mushrooms, smoked cheddar on wheat crackers, dried orange flavored cranberries, water, I've filled myself, I've reflected, and here barely 7:30 in the evening it has been a full day, hasn't it? And thoughts have been of the one who remembers me fondly now, appreciates my 'intensity', might even be 'ready' for it, now, and how it only took a year, and I wonder at our future friendship, and I'm happy at his kindness last night, and of work, and futures, and careers, and of doing something totally different, next time, and waiting for the cell to ring, and charging it so it can. Time to shrug shoulders, let them down, roll my neck and heave a great sigh, in, out, breathe, relax... calm to watch it all happen, inserting myself when necessary. It was a day not like I expected, but it's over now, mostly, and we shall see how much longer I hang in for this one. Cost of the War in Iraq
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