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Monday, May. 30, 2005 / 6:07 p.m. ~Best Keep Up With It All Then~ I keep toying with the idea of canceling Cainer's online mp3scopes. He always says the same things, he's always so damned positive, always telling me it's almost time, I'm almost there, it's all within view, within reach, sure, it's tough, but so worth it, and I'll look back and laugh, but I'm going to have 'it', I'm going to get what I need to get, and maybe not have time to look back and laugh. Such utter garbage. And I am paying him to tell me all this. Me, and every fucking Aries stupid enough to cough up the dough charged to credit cards we reserve for just such purpose. I couldn't feel more like nothing is ever going to come to fruition, and this is rather terrifying, and I am rather bogged down in thinking of my age, rather every single day, and I so don't want to look for a job, not even look, that I am in severe avoidance mode, and today's excuse is this national Holiday thing, but what of tomorrow? Is it tomorrow's slog I must wade through, is that what will get me to this glorious end point that is only actually just the beginning of everything? No one knows the future, not even Cainer. Especially not Cainer, but his voice does suck me in, it's true. Only a day or two ago I felt so claustrophobic I couldn't imagine not feeling claustrophobic, and I tried, I did, thinking of standing on a beach looking out at the ocean and the sky at the horizon, or on a mountaintop, or even in outer space, and I felt that there was nowhere that wouldn't feel hemmed in by some sort of wall or border, like I couldn't breathe, like I wanted to get out of my own skin it felt so constricting. Thankfully the sensation dissipated after a time, a short time actually, but I worked hard to get past it. Why is my will so strong? So many people disappoint me, no, every single one of them, so I am left with nothing but myself, and if I want to jump out of my own skin it does no good to me at all, I have to be here, stay here, find a way to be comfortable here, and find a way to move on, forward, earn money, make a living, a new one, and do it, regardless of what 'it' is, and hopefully there won't be time to look back at this, because I know I'd rather forget. Thank the rain today, and thank the national Holiday, and thank sleeping late and watching a soap opera on tape, and hearing my cat's stomach gurgle so I knew she needed to eat, though she never thinks to come right out and ask, and thank her for following me from room to room to always sit by my side, mostly looking like a protective canine warrior than a silly little cat with a little pin head. This day feels over already, and I'm sure a new one will start tomorrow, just as the sun comes up, even if obscured by rain, it really doesn't matter, I can hear time passing, and I'd rather slow it down, but hey, as they say, 'time waits for no one', so best keep up then. Cost of the War in Iraq
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