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2001-11-16 / 8:40 p.m. ~Don't breathe the air~ So, you guys see what I'm talking about, the thing with the "next" link on the diaries. This is good. I knew I wasn't crazy, but I did want validation. It's a very unpleasant feeling to see a helicopter hovering, searchlight searching, over your apartment complex, or what looks to be your apartment complex, on your way home from work. I'll never forget, never, nope, the video footage on the news that time - when?, okay, that I forget - of those people who had just gotten home from work, only to find their homes, their apartments, had burned to the ground. I think of it maybe 50% of the time, on my own way home. It's not just the helicopter hovering, the searchlight flashing, it's the way the helicopter is hovering, in tight circles, and it's so low to the ground. And the police cars, how many?, three?, four?, and here comes another, and wait...that's MY street, I can't even turn in, and is that car on fire or what?, why is it smoking like that? I have to turn around, drive around the whole huge block, and I'm afraid I won't get in from the other end either. But I do, and as I'm driving up I'm picturing Norma and Gladys as I said goodbye to them after lunch, on my way back to work. Norma, and I've been calling her Norman today, just for fun, and she seems to like it, sitting there, all beauteaous, her tail expertly and artistically curled around her lower body. Me, blowing her kisses, hating to leave. Would they be dead? Did my apartment burn up? What the hell is going on? Drive in, get the mail, the building is still there, cars on the street out front are turning around, there is something on the news about a "breaking story", something about a car chase coming to an end, someone "hit", and in my flipping between that and the latest WAR news on CBS, I miss it. How can that be? There wasn't enough time between flips. Just wanted to see the national take on the airport fiasco today, the debacle, the hullabaloo. Oh well. Something happened. Something. Right out front. On the street. Blocked the street even. Smoke. Cars, police, helicopter, searchlight. Hmmmm... Whew. Yeah, it was frightening. Something else is too. The air is thick, smoky, hazy, and it smells bad. It hasn't rained in months, I think, it's horrible. I can't ever clear my throat, the cars are always lined up on the interstate nearby. The weatherman on the local news said tomorrow would be "smoky and hazy, with no rain". It's too warm, in the mid 70s, the sun is so hot every day, the trees don't look good, the leaves turned their colors, their reds and golds and browns mostly, and they've fallen, the leaves, but wildfires are burning somewhere, and it smells, it smells bad, the air, everything is dusty and murky. It's bad. Meanwhile, I've been feeling the "I'm coming down with something" nonspecific malaise for days now. I think I've got it licked, take some of L.'s Avon anti-cold/flu vitamins, a mix of C, Echinacea and Zinc, and my own Echinacea, and mega dose of C, and orange juice, and I rest, and I feel fine, then I can't clear my throat again, and my neck hurts, and I have a headache, and my throat hurts, from so much clearing, no doubt, and I wonder again. Then tonight, a little whle ago, I'm picking at stuff on my back, a pimple or two (lovely, I know), and I go into the bathroom to look, pull up my shirt, and I see my moles again, the two huge spread out moles that have been there for years now, and they look so much more spread out, and suddenly I'm convinced again that I have skin cancer and I'm worried. Do I need surgery? Is it too late? Has the cancer spread to vital organs? Do I have cancer in my throat like my mom did? Is that why I can never clear it?? Then I thought about insurance, and should I enroll at work, and can I afford it? And how much will the surgery cost? Will it hurt? Will I need chemo? Radiation? How can it not be cancer? Look at these things! I asked a dermatologist once, went to one once, a few years ago, had a list of things, look at this, what's this, and this, and this??? And he said, "Oh, that's ___. Want me to take care of it?" to answer every question. He said my moles were fine. But weren't they miniscule compared to now? Panic. I feel icky. I mean, flusy. Yeah, like woozy, but maybe coming down with the flu. Flusy. With an "s". Whatever. I'll take some extra C or something. So, Norman and Gladys are safe, we will leave the windows closed until it rains again. They say maybe Monday. Maybe. Dammit! What is wrong with this planet? What have we done? This could be where I go off on my tirade about our horrible capitalist/consumerist society run amok, and our lack of acknowledgement of the natural world, our separation from the earth as our resource, our life giver. Mother Earth. How we have mistreated her, how all of our technological advances have only served to remove us, to move us inside, to make us want more, bigger, better, faster, sleeker, everythings. And throw the rest away, throw it all away, get in our vehicles and drive, drive, drive, and the emissions, the garbage, the cutting and clearing, the fires destroying the forests, the animals, and we don't care, they don't care, so many don't think, don't want to think. And here we are. With smoke in the air, air that it hurts to breathe. Air you can see. It's brown, and it lies on the horizon like a blanket, a dirty old blanket. Like we just don't even care. Horrible. How could we do this? How did we get here? I hoped Y2K would wipe us out, destroy it all, so we'd be forced to walk, to ride bikes, to see the world, close beneath our feet. But no. There's no easy answer, not here, not now. I hope I don't have skin cancer, but if I do, I won't be surprised. My back has had major exposure to the sun over the years. And those moles are weird, all spread out, nasty, I won't describe further. Well, okay, sort of crusty. There. See? Without health insurance though...well...I'm not gonna pay for some doctor to look at them. Remember, I hate doctors. Oh, speaking of, I canceled Norman and Gladys' appointment for the 1st of December. I got someone else on the phone, and she didn't asky why, asked if I wanted to reschedule and I said I'd have to get back to her on that. And I won't, be getting back to her. Hey, tomorrow is the big demonstration at the School of the Americas, the US operated school for terrorists. I'm not going. I don't want to get arrested, I don't know enough about it, it's in Columbus, not too far, but still.....and I'm turned off after the CNN demo. Don't want to encounter any more anarchists, thank you. But still, I'll be watching. It should get television coverage, should be big, I mean it, they expect 10,000 people. Huge. Speaking of watching, Thrashers suck so badly lately I've not paid much attention, except to scoff at the losing streak, say things like, "Man, Thrashers suck ass!", you know, stuff like that. Feeling like I miss hockey, I miss my team, but they have all these new players, I don't know who they are anymore, I have no one, no one at all to go to games with, well, okay, maybe Anna and Guenter, but maybe not, and I don't want to go alone. So they're playing right now, back from a 7 or 8 game road trip losing streak, and they're playing downtown, right now, and it's on, and I'm not watching, but they just scored, I heard the horn.....nope, it was complicated, no goal. Post to post, the puck almost went in, but didn't. Right, maybe I'll go watch. Okay, it's a plan. And I'll eat a pear, or a grapefruit, some fruit should be good, and I'll try not to worry about my cancer, or the air I can't breathe, or the landfills too full, or the water that's polluted or the animals dying in the forest fires, or the trees, and how thirsty they are. It will all work itself out, or not. I'm only one person, and no one ever listens to me anyway. I am not in charge of fixing the world, I can't do it. Oh, Al Gore would've helped. Yessirree.....but no. Cost of the War in Iraq
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