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Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 / 10:57 p.m. ~I Did the TeleFile Late Last Night - It Was Easy~ Have I written here today? Suddenly I'm not sure. Uh and oh. There's a woman at work who says, "Oh NO!" all the time. But it's like "ohNO!", all together, and my favorite coworker Jane now says it too, like they have to have little catchphrases going around all the fooking time. Used to be "helLO!", which also drove me quite batty. Other than that? Um, well, these new hours are finally taking their toll on me, as in, I'm tired. It's 11:00 and I am ExHauSted! We've got a lot going on at work, and I've been interacting with people there, more than usual, mostly in a work capacity, of course, but it's still a new job, it still feels like I started a new job a few months ago and there is still so much to learn. Because that is exactly the situation. We had lunch catered today, soft tacos, chips and salsa, and as far as 'free lunches' go, it was good, and as far as I can tell, truly free. We are being appreciated, and for once it feels sincere. It's nice. (I got a little recognition award too, my second in about a month - sweet) Kukla and I took a walk after we ate today, mostly to go the post office to mail my tax payment (only $58, not too shabby), and the weather was perfect, maybe 70 in the sun, blue skies, just beautiful, and we talked. I told her about my new revelatory five year plan, and she alternately said, "Go for it, make it happen", and "Well, wait and see what happens", possibly either not listening or trying to be sure to say the right thing. I didn't care, either way. I told her I've decided things have gone on too long, too long the way they are, they're stagnant. I learned my new-ish Supervisor has been on site for 10 years, and the same with another Supervisor, and I've been there 6 years, and Kukla 7, and truthfully we're all just hanging on too long. Kukla says this is my perception though, it could be that the longtimers really enjoy the flexibility, and the security, and the money that is not good, but not terrible either. But I said it's too long to sit someplace that has no creative energy, that is often soul sucking, though not really in the new job, not really at all, but still, there is no room for advancement, there is nowhere to go, and I want to work in television. I'm voicing it now. I do want to be a real writer, and a real photographer, but I also want to work behind the scenes, in production, at Turner. We have so many TV stations here it's not funny, what am I waiting for? And I want a bungalow, I love the architectural stylings, one that's old but lovingly renovated, restored internal systems, hardwood floors, a room for books, built-in shelves, a nice kitchen, a window over the sink, windows on four sides for N and G to look out and watch critters and butterflies and flowers. And a bike to ride, and a small circle of good friends, and I want to have dinner parties, and game nights, and live intown in my bungalow and get closer and closer to 50 years old feeling more like a real grownup. Not living in my silly apartment for the rest of my life, throwing money away on rent, working at the same dead end job, no, I want more, and I don't want to waste any more time trying to find a man to love, it's pointless. Either they want me and I don't want them, or it's painfully the opposite, and how many tears have I cried, and how many meals have I skipped, and how many hours have I spent online writing about my heart broken in millions of pieces, for what? I'm just thinking about the future, finally, five years from now, or a year, not less, at least one more year, but that's enough. I want a hybrid car, a bungalow of my own, and a job in television. The bike will come easily after that, and the friends I can work on. I can develop those friendships, and if not? A few close people, we shall see. Meanwhile, I put in a call to Hermione Out West today, as she is ready to foal any day now. I worry it's already happened and I missed it. I'll find out after the fact, see a photo of the lima bean all sprouted and pink and chubby. Little round head like his sister. I'm just thinking, is all. Mercury is Retrograde, it's time to pull inward a bit, figure some things out, then make things happen when it's all back to normal. And tomorrow we're allowed to wear hats. Work is silly, but fun lately, alternatingly. I enter data and listen to music on my Walkman. They just played a portion of The Beatles' 'Tax Man' on the news, of course, they do it every year. Cost of the War in Iraq
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