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Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 / 9:47 p.m. ~On Mercury Retrograde-Induced Oversleeping, and It's a Boy!~ The time on my alarm clock is not the 'real' time. It may be some 35 minutes faster than that, or 40, and I'd prefer not to know. I set the alarm for 7:00 (really 6:25 or so) now, used to be 7:30, and next week it will be 6:30, as my hours are required to be 8:00 - 5:00 starting in May. I'm being given this 'grace period' to figure it all out. So it is, set it for 7:00, wake, set it for 7:30, wake, either get up or set it for 7:45 (which is really around 7:10, the very latest I can get up to get to work at 8:30), depending on wakeability, exhaustion, dream quotient, etc. I manage to get to work on time, every single day, day in, day out, the most I'm ever late, which is never, but rarely, okay, is one minute. And then I apologize profusely and feel I've ruined my permanent record. I've just looked at my alarm clock again, yet again, and it reads 7:45 as the wakeup time. This means I woke at 7:00, I reset it, but after that? I dreamed I saw my mother as she would be now, 78 years old, and I called out to her, and she gave me a big hug, and I woke up and the room was way brighter than it should have been, and I looked at said clock and it read near 11:00, meaning what? What time was it 'actually'? I'm still not sure. Late, very, very late. I called my Supervisor immediately, asked her, "What day is it? It's Friday? I just woke up, why didn't you call me???", and I couldn't believe no one had bothered to call. This was my second thought, after, oh my god, it's almost 11:00, and what day is it, WHAT DAY IS IT? She said she had been worried, sure, but later, once at work, she admitted to not having my number. What?! I could have been dead. I could have needed help. I am never late, remember? Except for that one minute, every so often. And oversleeping? That's for teenagers, children, irresponsible adults, not for me, I don't do that, never do I, except for maybe 10 minutes one time a few years ago. YEARS ago. I almost started to bawl, I mean I was SO disoriented and scared and disappointed and ashamed and horrified, and confused, and lately I take off my earrings and put them in my ring box, and I wonder if I'll start putting the phone in the freezer, and I call the N cat by G's name, and vice versa, and I think a thought and seconds later it's gone, and I sit trying to remember, and frankly, I joke about early Alzheimer's and aluminum cookware, and nonstick, and what causes it, and deodorants, and chemicals, and I'm just scared I've crossed into early senility. Then I read that Mercury is Retrograde and people will be late to work, and technology will malfunction, and communication will be hard to maintain, and I say oh, okay, so it's okay then, right? And I sat in my Manager's office telling her how horrible I felt, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I told her I'd started to cry at home before leaving, and I didn't tell her I'd not even had coffee, just brushed, washed and had a quick shower before leaving, and we later talked of my abbreviated bonus, then I asked why, and later we met again to figure out that I'd get the rest later, and it was just meetings, and me feeling weird and bad, and I told my Supervisor about the dream wherein she told me I was not a team player, and I vaguely remember waking from it too, last night?, this morning?, before the alarm went off?, did it go off?, and I've never felt so discombobulated ever. Or have I? I came home at lunch and made a cup of Amaretto coffee, and that was all I ingested, no food even until after work. Now? I've beeen reading journals online, and writing a bit, and watching this dog on his skateboard, and part of the movie "Shallow Grave", which I've seen before, and I went to the Whole Foods after work and bought stuff to doctor up some Hamburger Helper tomorrow, on account of because I love Hamburger Helper Stroganoff, I first made it when I was about 15 years old, and I like to 'doctor' pre-fab mixes and such, and I ate some pre-made pasta salad with portabellos and sun dried tomatoes, and this is a really long sentence, huh? And, remember I wrote about Hermione Out West yesterday, how I called and left a message saying hey, I bet you're having the baby, or hey, have you had the baby yet?, and well, today I got a mass email from the husband saying Hermione had the baby yesterday, yes, she was giving birth yesterday, and he is healthy and 7 pounds and all is well, and I wish I were there, I wish I were there, I wish I were there, I do. Tonight I sleep the sleep of the confused and frightened, the exhausted and happy for others, and the one who needs to regroup in a most serious fashion, and tomorrow I write letters, long and juicy, and send off cards to one year olds, and newborns, and I take me to a movie, and maybe to dinner if I'm good. I still can't remember waking before almost 11:00 this morning, I still can't remember a thing besides those two heavy heavy dreams, and the grogginess, the exhaustion, the intense heaviness and regret, remorse at letting myself down. It's been quite a day. Cost of the War in Iraq
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