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Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 / 1:46 p.m. ~Because It's All About ME!~ I enjoy combining pscyhology with astrology, for I believe it helps to create an entire picture of the individual, and in my own navel-gazing self-analysis over the past 43 (ack, nearly 44!) years, I've learned more than enough about me, but there is always room to grow and change, and always the desire to know even more, including the answers to the big questions, like why? I believe, quite firmly, I will not know that answer until I am gone, and then will not have the cognitive capabilities to fully grasp, but perhaps then a more universal understanding, and acceptance, a 'oneness', so to speak, with this, all of this. And maybe I get to try again, until nirvana can be reached. I embrace all possibilities, as long as they are positive and affirming. Still, I know this, I need reassurance. I do. Call it Aries, call it me, I am a child, and I cannot stress that point enough, and like a child left crying, if I am not picked up and soothed at some point I will fully believe I am unloved and abandoned, but in the picking up, in that one gesture, as I pause to hug a cat every so often here, in my own life, that can be enough, and all the rest can be instantly forgotten, proverbial slate proverbially wiped clean. So it is, I know a truth, I know I have not been abandoned, I have not been let go, and I have not floated off into some smog-ridden sunset, all pink and blue and gold, like a balloon, not after all. That was my own fear, that was my own coping mechanism, the one that tells me to tell myself that I didn't need that person anyway, that if someone leaves, well, so be it, I wasn't meant to have that person in my life, the old 'people come and people go and this is the only constant, along with change' self-defense, self-preservation mechanism. I also do not know that this can be changed, and as an adult I do try. I am a child, but I do try calmly to give things time. And sometimes I am better at it than at others. This much is true. Suffice to say it takes very little to set me straight. Stopping to pick me up when I'm crying, hug me close and take a finger to wipe away a tear or three, tell me everything is going to be okay, is all that's needed. In reality, not metaphorically at all, a phone call will suffice, or an email message, or a text message. For it is as if I forget it all with the passage of time, it is as if there is no past, only the present and though I know in my heart, and I can remember professions of feeling and affection and warmth, if it is not there, here, now, NOW, I feel abandoned. This is a fault, and something I need to work on, but knowing how little reassurance is needed, is this such a bad thing after all? Everything that happens now, everything can happen as it will, for I have been assuaged, soothed, eased, reassured, and in that my heart is peaceful and calm, and I am filled with certainty, in this moment. This is now, and I can only live now. Tomorrow, the next day, the test, the trick, the goal, is to hold on to what is knowable, to keep that close, and all else must graze like flying bullets dodged. Or something. My analogies are odd, I know. They just pop in my head. I'm just happy, that's all. He makes me happy, it's all so simple, that's all, it's not hard to soothe me. I am easy to please. My heart waits now, with some comfort, and in that, I still know, nothing ever changed, I only felt I'd been abandoned again, but when I realized not enough time had passed, it was only days, not weeks not months not years, I found calm. Patience is not my strength, but I am capable of amazing things. Cost of the War in Iraq
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