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Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 / 2:58 p.m. ~Week Two, Day Three, Two Days After Filing~ Clearly I have no idea how to be an unemployed person in search of work. I have no idea at all. I'd like to think I know exactly what I'm doing, but if I step just to the side and turn and look back at me, I have to say to myself, "What the fuck are you doing?", and then I worry I'll never collect unemployment compensation. I have sent out two letters this week, it's true, two letters to two good contacts, resume attached to both. No response. Followup calls? Could. Should. The weather is spectacularly beautiful. I long to be idly strolling through a park, or sitting in a field of green staring up at the clouds in the sky, maybe sitting on the edge of a pier, dangling a foot or two into the water below. This is hard. I feel I can't go out because I will spend money. I will need to buy gasoline at some point, and we know how expensive that is, and I have plans for Friday night so I need to wait, right? And I desperately need groceries, I'm tired of eating food I find in my cupboards, although I could switch from microwave popcorn and fig newtons and maybe eat some toast with butter and preserves today, and there are still some hash browns in the freezer. I have more vitamins left, so I'm not going to die of malnutrition. Plenty of water to drink. Jobs I thought were mine, easily, back when I felt tremendous confidence, apparently were not even close to being mine, and I feel like the more I sit here at home, alternating between the porch where I can see the trees and the sky and hear the birds and those big bumblebees, and here where it's inside and dark and the most light emanates from this monitor, checking email, and checking job listings, and worrying, the more I want to lie down and watch a movie on TV, or just go back to sleep. I'm torn between being really worried, panicked almost, and feeling totally calm and confident that 'something will turn up', but if I don't get 'out' and make the effort, how, how can that be? The unemployment office is going to contact me any day, and every day now I leave my cell phone on all day, even setting it on the floor next to my bed when I go to sleep at night, worrying someone may try to reach me for an interview early in the morning. And I wake up early, my body is too accustomed not to, but I go back to sleep because I am exhausted. I feel like that walk in the park, or lying in the grass would help, somehow, that I need to be out of here, anywhere BUT here, but it's the getting there that concerns me, and any money that might leave my possession while I'm gone. I can't afford to lose any right now, spend any. I'm terrified, I'm fine, I'm terrified, I'm fine, all will work out in my favor, I'm doomed, this is how it is. I mean this is more horrible than I thought it would be. I know I could get a menial job making $5.15 an hour, our minimum wage for the state, but I can't live on that. And I know I could get a job I would hate, but I don't want ANOTHER job I am going to hate. I want something wonderful, something I want to be doing, earning money that will help me to live even better than I have been. I want to be able to afford new clothes, and a new car, not much else. And I want to be able to go to the grocery store without worrying that I can only load up on the 29 cents a pound bananas and a giant sack of potatoes, in addition to some cheap cheese and maybe bologna, ramen noodles. I have been poor, but there was always someone to fall back on in those early days, my father was still alive, my grandmother, I had family then, I had friends, boyfriends, now it's just me, and two cats who solely depend on me to bring home the Friskies and the Science Diet and the damned Scoop Away. I think this is the hottest part of the day, and as soon as it cools off a little I am going to go buy some milk and fruit juice, maybe those cheap bananas and potatoes, and ramen noodles. I have to keep up my strength. And maybe a followup phone call, or two, is in order. And all the people who offered to help, and the one who even wrote down contact information, the one I emailed and he never even responded? I'm just so fucking disappointed. Cost of the War in Iraq
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