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Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004 / 5:28 p.m. ~Striving for Perfection in an Imperfect World~ Have you ever met someone and liked her, only upon getting to know her realized your views are so diametrically opposed, your values and beliefs so very different, you feel you cannot possibly, in all good conscience, be friends with her? My coworker/friend asked me yesterday how long I'll continue to give fluids to Gladys, like there might be a point where I tire, a point where I say I've had enough, and I would prefer just to 'put her to sleep' than go to the trouble. I'm not sure that's how she meant it, but she has continually said, "You're going to more trouble than most people would", and I want to know who these 'most people' are. Does this category include her? She takes in strays, she seems to want to care for the world's animals, all of them, but does she really care? I told her I will care for my cats as long as they can be cared for. If they stop eating, or begin to lose weight drastically, or they lie listless and can no longer walk, if they become incontinent and lifeless, I will know. This will be when my efforts will be unwelcome, and thusly ineffectual. But she sounds as if she's anxious for me to do the extermination part of it. Like she wants to hear from me in the middle of the night, she wants me to call her and ask her to accompany me on the tearful journey to the vet, Gladys' last walk down the fucking green mile. As if this weren't enough, and really it is, she is pro-war, she is pro-Bush, and she and I now know we simply cannot discuss politics without one of us becoming incensed. My feelings are so strong, and now, during the Convention, it is so difficult not to be able to talk to someone, anyone, about how it's going, about the TV coverage, the media, the speeches, the hope, the rampant Democratic idealism and rhetoric, the positive spin and propaganda. All we have in common are reality TV shows, which is fine, but I have a rich life inside my head, ideas, thoughts, dreams, visions of a future that could be what we all really need, and I need intellectual stimulation. I can't limit myself, I can't continue to bite my tongue, to hold back. I want to say, "I'm sorry, but it's not working out, I can't be friends with you, but hopefully we can be copacetic coworkers". And I may. Or I may just let her slide. I don't want the confrontation, but we had one today, and today it was work ethics. She simply doesn't care, and she said today, again, for the I don't know how many-th time, if she were making such and such amount of money, she would care. And I have a problem with this. I take pride in my work, any work. I may be a perfectionist, but what's wrong with that? Isn't that a good thing? When did perfection become so bad? I am all about accountability, pride, perfectionism, regardless of how much I'm being paid. I was this way when I made $2 an hour waiting tables, working for tips. When I was a cashier, when I shelved books, when I weighed and wrapped raw meat, when I cleaned houses, when I stood on my feet making lattes, and the list goes on. Teach me to do it, I'll do it, pay me and I'll give you all I've got. Where did I get this work ethic? I don't even know, but I stand by it, and I want to do the best I can do, regardless. I am incapable of truly slacking off if there is work to be done. 'Got time to lean, got time to clean', we used to say in the coffeehouse. I can't be this woman's friend, I can't bring myself to look at her, or talk to her, not today, and I'm glad the work day is over. She came to me and hugged me, said that's how they all talk, and I should know she's just 'messing with me', but I told her it's how she really thinks, she really thinks I care too much, she really thinks I try too hard, I want to control my output, I want to process my own work, not pass it off to someone who won't care as I do. She really means that if I can't cut it now, I won't be able to later, when we're really busy. People may kid, but there is truth in the jokes, always. It was a very bad day, another one of those "I'd really just like to walk out now" kind of days, and they happen every so often, and in six years I've learned to deal with these days, as the paychecks each Friday make it worth it, and I don't want to look for something else, and though we don't make enough money to 'care', it's more than I've ever earned elsewhere. This is hard, but it will pass. And I long to put it all behind me. I needed to write it down, not so eloquently, that part doesn't matter, I just needed to express how strongly I feel when I do feel, and when I'm surrounded, especially in a work situation, by people who don't care as I do, it's very difficult. I now have to separate myself from the 'team'. They all agree with the one, I am the odd one out. Even our supervisor agrees. I long to work in an environment where everyone does the best that can be done, where everyone strives for that perfection, where everyone is accountable, and everyone takes pride in the work done, and everyone truly cares that we do a good job, our best, together. Is there a workplace like that? Cost of the War in Iraq
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