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2001-11-15 / 11:51 a.m. ~Reluctance to Submit to Defeat~ Anger is consuming me. Filling me up like some sort of bile, and it has a bitter taste. When it gets up to my head it kicks me in the back of my neck, the base of my skull, makes my temples throb, my eye sockets ache. It hurts to be so angry. My supervisor is terrible at her job. Terrible. I try to like her as a person, but even that is difficult. The buck does not stop with her, it floats to her, comes to a temporary stop, floats right on back to me, I have to pin it down, examine it, staple it to whatever document I�m processing. I have to do it all myself because she won�t do what is clearly her job. This morning she actually said, �There�s nothing I can do about it.� There�s nothing she can do? No, she could do her JOB, perhaps? Maybe? I�m too stuck in the old days, before she became our supervisor, when she was the 20something temp, and then she got pregnant on the Depo Provera (two words?), and threw up every day in her trashcan. The real supervisor being supervisory, taking the issues to task, dealing with the problems, and there were many. Of course he moved on, of course he found something better, something which paid better, less hassles. And she moved into his position. We didn�t know why. I think she�d supervised at a fast food restaurant, or she said she had. Now, she wants to be with her son, the one who is so often ill, so often hospitalized for this and that, she doesn�t even want to be here, she�s made this plain, it�s no secret, but while she is here, couldn�t she take on her duties, her responsibilities, not throw up her hands, say, �I don�t work in IS�, or �There�s nothing I can do�, every single time? It�s so frustrating to have no one to go to with work issues, to have to solve them all myself, and receive no credit for it, no extra salary, no higher position. I think I�m the only person who goes to her anyway, most just figure things out amongst themselves, and that�s why we all do things differently. Large sigh�just another day, just another day on this job. The college radio station is playing really good music today � they even played some Pylon! Wow!!! That�s what I listened to when I was in college. How fucking cool. Makes me want to go home and play some of my Pylon records, yeah, vinyl. Such good angry rock and roll. Vanessa Briscoe, the precursor to Courtney Love, one of them anyway. Courtney, you were not the first by any means. I just did something against department policy, I issued an employee PIN without verification of a hire date. Oooh, I feel so wicked. I feel like I want to set my own rules now. If my own supervisor is not going to care about anything, why should I??? Hey, this could be truly liberating. I mean, I�ve said I�m not a fan of anarchy, I like order, I like a leadership I can rebel against (!), but if no one will take that role, hell, let�s have a coup, let�s do it our own way. Fuck her, I�ll handle things, I�ll make it up as I go along, I�ve been here longer than she has, I know this job better than she, in fact�I trained her! And, funny thing is, she remembers it, and I don�t. Enough boring job stuff, the anger is wearing off, it helped to write it, and to talk to a co-worker. V. understands. She let me vent a bit. �The Amazing Race� was good last night. It�s always good though � I�ll miss it when it�s finally over. I was sorry to see the mother/daughter team go. They got a lot out of the experience though. God, I wish I had �net access here at my PC�the phones are slow, there�s no one to talk to, just the radio, a magazine, a book. Oh, I�ve started a new book! Yay! I keep trying to catch up on my weekly mag before I start another book, but that catching up is just not happening, so, I got this shipment of new books from Quality Paperback Book Club, great stuff, and I had to dive in to at least this one: Fast Food Nation. It�s a look at the fast food industry, culture, phenomenon in this country, and how it�s spread around the world, us thrusting ourselves upon other countries, other cultures. I think it�s going to be fascinating, not all new material, not to me, but a good read nonetheless. So far, I�m on the introduction, and it�s a lot of statistics, interesting statistics, like nearly one in every 8 American workers has at some point worked for McDonald�s. Wow. Okay, it�s just after 10:00, I�m going to do the work sitting here on my desk, try to stop hating D., the supervisor, try to just do my job as I know it and not think I can change the world. See, I�m too idealistic, and that doesn�t play well here. Here, it�s �there�s nothing we can do, any of us, nothing will ever change, we�ve already tried that, this is the way it is, accept it, go back to your cube�, and until I seek change in my own life and leave this place far behind�that�s how I need to treat it. Defeat. Hard for an Aries. Cost of the War in Iraq
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