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2001-12-29 / 1:38 p.m. ~Research, Dreams, Revenge Fantasies, Etc.~ So, after days of staying away from this computer, days of associating the very act of turning on the power with receiving evil messages from those who want me dead, or something, last night I did what I used to do, after work I came in here and stayed in here, in front of this computer, for hours. A really good Thrashers game stayed on in the living room, I ran in to see replays after we scored, even watched most of the end of the third period - we WON! A home win! A "W"! 5-4, against the Leaves. Anyway, I never went out to a movie, I stayed online, in the guise of doing good, for me, to get my mind off Diaryland, I enjoyed being online, surfing the World Wide Web. I did research. And I am reminded that I LOVE research. LOVE it. I've been dreaming excessively, waking up tired, so I wanted to look into causes for dreams, cures for too much REM time, correlations between REM sleep and dreams, the paradox of sleep, fascinating stuff. Did you know that when we are in REM sleep, Rapid Eye Movement, that is, we are most likely dreaming, yes, the eyes do indeed move rapidly back and forth, there may be little twitches here and there, like a cat's whiskers when she is dreaming, but the body is paralyzed. Yes, we lie stiff, motionless, yet our brains are as active as when we are fully awake and functioning. Also, the genitals become engorged, we are in a state of arousal. Fascinating stuff, I'll say it again. Oh, and there is so much online, I mean it, people have spent hours, no days, or weeks, or more, uploading documents, theses, studies, experiments, all sorts of information, and it's as easy to access as a library, but harder to read.....I still prefer paper to a video display terminal. So, I researched, and I discovered that vitamin B6 can produce excessive dreaming in individuals, so can too much melatonin, or maybe melatonin at all, and possibly Kava can produce a more deep, dreamless sleep. I opted for the Kava, since I happen to have some on hand, by the name of Kava Kava, twice the Kava I'd guess. I took it before bed, wanted to watch "Slaughterhouse Five" on SciFi, but fell asleep, and woke all night long after numerous dreams. No, it didn't work. I dreamed I went for a haircut. I haven't been to a salon for a haircut in years. When I can't stand the length anymore I go into the bathroom and chop it all off, myself. But in the dream I walked in, near closing, and the blond guy was going to cut it for me, wanted to "stain" it too. Sure, I said. Another was going to wash it, good thing because it's dirty, so I was ready, moved my head back over the washing tub, but he kept disappearing, wouldn't dig in and do the scrubbing, the feel good part, and I had planned to tip him...... Right now I draw a blank as to the rest of the dreams, but they were fresh a few hours ago. Too many, as usual. Due to waking up? Was it to urinate? Did I wake again and again because my bladder was full? Should I ease the fluid consumption hours before bed to remedy this? I'm lost. I stayed up at around 10:00, didn't want to sleep the whole day away, as I am wont to do, but I was tired, like really tired, exhausted, like I didn't sleep at all, and I realize I wake like that every single day. I stayed in bed, Gladys undercovers, Norma over, and watched more SciFi channel, an old "MST3K", some movie about a doctor who takes drugs and becomes a bat. I'd forgotten how funny the comments can be though....when I worked nights at the coffee shop I would come home and watch "MST3K", and laugh, and laugh! It was almost always hilarious..... And then, "Legacy", with Katherine Ross and Sam Elliott. Basically a stupid movie, Satan calls together 6 people with fancy rings on their fingers because he is going to die and needs one to take over his job, his power. Katherine Ross is the one because she looks exactly like Satan's mother. And Sam Elliott is there by mistake, but makes the best of things, constantly trying to escape this huge old English country manor, from which there is no escape, of course. I'd seen it before, but couldn't remember the end, kept waiting for Sam Elliott to be killed, hung up by that big mustache of his, or something, but, well, it was a decent movie. Another bout of lying down watching a movie, always makes my eyes really blurry. Something about the constant half-openedness, or something. Now I can barely see. My big plan for the day is to go down the street to the big liquor store and buy a fancy bottle of champagne for the party. Oh, another dream, I was in a garden store, but it was newly reopened as a gourmet food store, I guess, and I was choosing a bottle of champagne from the chilled wine section, and the champagnes were frozen, one was filled with pellets, pink and red and white, they expanded when I removed it from the freezer. Another was filled with multi-colored pastas. I also have that weird "I'm coming down with a cold" feeling, that feeling I get so often, well, once a month or so, and it never materializes, never turns into anything at all. Hopefully it will go away soon because right now I have a big headache, I woke with it, and I'm achy, my throat hurts, my eyes burn a bit. Also last night, online, I went to Webshots for the first time in a long time and downloaded a bunch of really good pictures for wallpapers! I'll transfer the files to a floppy and take them to work. They're more useful at work than here because here the Netscape window covers them. At work, I have two programs open, two windows, and they don't take up the whole screen. Then, online, last night, I did what I shouldn't have, I visited the designer girls' diaries, almost all of them, looked to see what they've written about me, went to the auctions.diaryland.com site, saw the adverts for the next auction, saw my notes are still in their guestbook, along with the one from the person who said she "knows the scoop", the anonymous one who started all the gossip, saying I'd written to every single designer, written to everyone, in their guestbooks, emails, etc., and that she was embarrassed for me. I don't know why they don't delete that stuff. But they don't. And why did I look? Why should I care? They've all moved on, they aren't affected, they saw me as some horrible annoying person, dragged it all out, then left me here, like this, and they are all fine and dandy. It's not fair. I want a resolution, but I'll never get it. I could wait for Karma to catch up with them, but who knows how long that will take? If only I could be strong enough to ignore all of it.........I'm trying, really. I just wish I could stop fantasizing about revenge. Well, must get on with my day, whatever it's going to be. Right now I'm in a lot of pain, my neck and head, so I may not get out and about, or I may take some aspirin and make the best of it. Either way.......it's a day. Cost of the War in Iraq
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