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2001-07-08 / 11:55 p.m. ~A return to structure~
Another movie, once again eyes which cannot see. What is up with that anyway? Am I the only one who can't see after lying down for a while? "Never Been Kissed" was cute, I guess. Drew Barrymore is lovely, and a surprisingly good actress, but jeez, they made her look terrible in that movie. The teacher was very good looking though, and a happy ending, always a plus. Can't say as much for the Bogosian book, Mall. I wish I'd not bought it. Usually I trust the Quality Paperback Book Club, they seldom steer me wrong, but that book sucked. Derivative, really, great premise, though horrific, but it just ends, all this buildup for nothing. Some passages were interesting, like this: "Mal perched in the darkness, ate psychic popcorn and watched as the towering walls of ice fissured and crashed. He grinned as floes of broken crystal cascaded over skullcap cliffs. The burning frozen shards were prisms. Eye-piercing color shot off the sharp edges like acrobatic straight razors tumbling through space. Mal drooled with delight." That's a description of the psycho killer coming down off his crystal meth, his black beauties, his drugs galore, his killing spree, shot in the shoulder, about to be caught, we presume. It was an intense little book, but I felt kind of dirty after I read it, like I'd wasted my time, like there must have been something else I should have been doing, could have been doing. Like I should have rented that book, not paid money for it, not put it on a shelf after finishing it. Like the time my mom threw her copy of The Exorcist out the car window. How could she throw away a book?, I wondered, but maybe I know how. I don't know. I remember staying up all night reading Stephen King's Misery, and it was a horrible story, but it was so well written... No, the highlight of this day was watching "Eat Drink Man Woman" for the second time. I really couldn't remember it that well, just that there was a father and he cooked, and he had three lovely daughters. But oh there is so much more to it. Ang Lee is such an amazing, sensual director. Such attention paid to details, to beauty in small things. And what a wonderful story. I want to live in China, and I want a chef for a father, and I want to be a beautiful Chinese girl....hmmm.....okay, I'll just appreciate it from afar. Another weekend gone, another weekend of me by myself, me and the cats, the TV, the computer, me not knowing what to do, having ideas, but not following through. Me without structure, without plans, me alone, and ultimately, somewhat lonely. I never want to admit that, that I get lonely, but when I'm sitting around watching movie after movie, on TV, by myself, taking time just to cook and eat, or feed the cats, or check for email, I see myself from beyond myself and I have pity for me. Maybe it's not me, and what I feel at all, but how I feel I might be perceived. Or maybe it's me watching people live, through the movies I watch, and maybe it's me feeling I don't live like they do, not at all. Maybe I want sisters and a father, and a boyfriend or two. Then again, what I have is all I need. So what's the problem? Another week with two Fridays, and that will be strange, again, and somewhere along the way I will no doubt be very confused. Again. I'm already regretting my decision to go to the Area:One Festival by myself. What was I thinking? An entire day-long music fest, on my own? No one to talk to all day, surrounded by strangers, strangers who are not alone? I feel conspicuous already. Tomorrow will be good, people to talk to, work to be done, phone calls to answer, a plan, all day long, a plan. Cost of the War in Iraq
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