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2001-09-17 / 11:10 p.m. ~Sleepwalking through the day....and Pre-Season Hockey~ If someone were here right now, someone who might ask, "Joleen, how was your day?", I might tell that someone, "You know, I don't know, I don't think I remember". I have days like this sometimes, often on Mondays. Maybe after 40 years I still don't know me very well. Maybe I didn't know that I was in denial about the terrorist attack, it seems I just wanted it to go away, and when it didn't I faced it head on, I overloaded my senses with it, I became one with it, and it ripped me to bits. Today at work V. asked B. how she was and B. said, "Oh...better than last week", so V. says, "Oh, were you sick last week?", and I'm thinking, Jesus, V., how can you not remember the horror of last week? What is your problem that you are having to be reminded? But V. tuned it out you see. V. didn't immerse herself in it, V. has a husband, two kids, a life, she didn't even watch the news, and she doesn't read. She'll say, "I'm not a reader". I took the train into town tonight after work, to go to the hockey game, and as I looked at the skyscrapers in the distance I pictured each one with its own plane sticking out of it, fireballs exploding all around. Like toy planes, huge bursts of fire, collasping buildings, people screaming, waving hankies from the 70th floor. I've clearly been affected. Maybe if I knew me better, after all this time, I'd know that the reason I slept all day yesterday is I became very depressed. Maybe if I paid attention to the attractive female psychologist I saw on the news, the one who was not just a face full of plastic surgery, but a sharp and quick mind, maybe I would've heard her, realized the different stages of grief I was going through, that I may not know anyone personally, not that I'm aware of, no one who died, no one who knows someone who died, but I felt it, I am an empath, which is why I must try to tune so much out. Yes, maybe if I knew me better I'd understand why I was asleep all through today. I only got about 5 or 6 hour sleep last night. Took Valerian root before bed, woke up too early, wondering if it was time to get up, turning on the light, looking at the alarm clock. Lulu asked how was my weekend, and I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't say that I went shopping, or I went to a movie, or any other of the usual weekend things, couldn't even say aloud that I'd spruced up my resume. I shrugged my shoulders and continued to sleepwalk through the day, just waiting for it to be over. I didn't even want to go to the hockey game, but I did anyway, I went. I came home and put on my jersey, and took the train, imagining all those skyscrapers with planes stuck in them, as previously mentioned. Very few people went to the game, maybe a couple hundred, or so it seemed. We were handed little American flags to wave around, and there was a moment of silence before the Star Spangled Banner was sung. I've never heard it so quiet in that Arena, ever. Then God Bless America was sung, not usual for a hockey game. Again, I was dead, throughout the game, just exhausted, spent. Still, it was great to see the new team, almost no players from the previous two seasons, and the two new stars, our Number One Draft Pick: Illya Kowalchuk, and last year's, Dany Heatley. Heatley spent last season playing in college, but this season he'll be with us. They both scored two goals tonight, each an opportunity for a hat trick. Amazing. Yes, folks, we won, 4-3. I saw Joe in his same Season Ticket seats, and a couple other people I met on Message Boards the last couple years. But I saw them from afar, sat alone and felt alone. Remembering the previus two seasons, thinking of all the memories I already have of this new hockey club, this new Arena. Riding the train home, another view of skyscrapers.......with planes coming at them. Home, bed, job interview in a.m. A job I want, but I don't want. I was tempted to cancel the interview.....not enough money, crazy hours, why am I even trying? Why can't I find a real job? H. called me at work today, to ask how I am. I was floored. Someone wanted to know how I am. And again, how do I answer? Gee, H., I'm really depressed, I keep thinking about what happened, all those people dying, I have no appetite, I feel so alone, I feel I'm going to lose my job, I'm scared, I'm miserable, I just want someone to love, I want happiness, joy, pleasure. I said, "Uh, I'm alright. How are you?". And we chatted, a bit. She went to her cousin's wedding yesterday, was in the wedding party, her little girl, almost 3, had a blast. She wasn't sleeping all day, she wasn't thinking of people dying. I was the one who wanted to move on, to go forward, and I'm the one who can't seem to do it. Enough for one day. Let's call this one over. I'm dying to see if Letterman can make me laugh. Cost of the War in Iraq
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