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2001-09-18 / 7:09 p.m. ~Too Soon to Laugh?~ Heavenlyginger mentions in her diary what I've been thinking and writing about, namely the grieving process and how to go about it. Asking if and when we should begin to laugh again. I was intensely curious to see how the late night talk shows would handle their task of making us laugh, and it was interesting indeed. Jay Leno took another night off, news was in his place. Letterman put on a show, but only because Giuliani requested it, requested the entertainment community resume entertaining, so he says. Poor Dave - he was so broken up, he sat at his desk, no opening monologue, just sat and talked about what happened, for his own sanity, not even to entertain. He apologized, his face quivered, contorted, looked old, he was near tears at times. Then he has Dan Rather on and poor Dan can contain himself no longer, his quivering becomes all out bursting into tears, and I've never seen someone shut it off so quickly. Bursting...STOP. Apology. Quivering, okay....wait.....bursting...STOP. Amazing. And Dave would reach out for Dan's hand, hold his hand, he'd hug him if there weren't the desk between them. Dan reaches for Dave's hand - grown American men, men in their 50s, 60s, grieving, openly, on National Television, one being the preeminent newscaster, the other America's preeminent entertainer. Extraordinary. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Comic relief came with Regis Philbin, who made fun of Rather crying. He had to, what else could he do? My favorite spontaneous moment was when Dave was trying to make sense of it all, and Dan was saying simply that Bin Laden and the Taliban, and many terrorists in that part of the world hate the USA so intensely there is no concern but for killing us all - Dave wants to know why they hate us, why they envy/hate/are jealous and he says, "What, they don't have cable?". I don't know, I think I'm quoting him correctly, maybe you had to be there. Were you? Then I stayed up for Kilborn, "The Late Late Show", and Craig also skips the monologue, sits at his desk, describes in more detail than Dave how they don't know how to proceed, they don't want to put on a show, they're all the way in L.A., but they don't know how to do comedy. Not now. Wow. Craig Kilborne at a loss, at a comedic loss. So he had on his own "expert", Lawrence O'Donnell, who claimed religion is a part of the motivation for attack, when Dan said it was pure hate. Still, interesting to hear people talk, to postulate, to theorize, to second-guess, to prognosticate. I want to hear it. I wanted to hear/see Craig and Dave try to figure it all out. And Reege's son is in a wheelchair, no details on that, but Reege says he was in the Pentagon at the time of the attack, talking to Dad on the phone...... No room for comedy, eh? Where does it fit in? What do they joke about? I can't imagine it. Dave claims he has no one booked for tonight, but we'll see. Grown American men, chins quivering, our own President, chin quivering, Dan Rather, breaking down....unprecedented. Have we ever seen so many grown men cry in our lives? Aw jeez, the bomb specialist guy who worked in the basement of the WTC? The one who lost his partner, his bomb sniffing dog? Horrible. The business owner, the one who showed up late to work so he could take his son to first day kindergarten? Crying, on TV, all of them. Dave, Dan, Peter Jennings, "Call your kids, wherever they are"....George W. No one seems to be able to maintain full composure when the topic turns tragic, the loss of lives, the loss of those close, the loss of our way of life. Heavy shit. This morning I got up around 6:15, and I don't remember the last time that happened. I actually watched the sun rise on my way to my interview, beautiful, but I don't care to do it again, morning is for sleeping, in my book. (what, I have a book?) I was right, I should've canceled the interview, I never should've gone. I cannot sacrifice entertainment, a potential social life, for $10 an hour. Sorry to those of you making that amount or less, but I'm fucking 40 years old, okay? Fucking 40. No, I don't look it, yada, yada, yada, I don't feel it, not usually, I feel like a little kid, but I'm 40, okay. Say it loud, I'm 40, not proud, but hey. I can't go back to making less than what I make now, which shall remain a secret. Yes, I started my current job at $10 an hour, but that was almost four years ago. I cannot go backwards, cannot be so "flexible" that I will have no idea what my schedule is until after I've gone through training to assist Earthlink customers with their accounts/questions/problems/etc. via telephone in a Call Center. Supposedly ALL Earthlink employees start with this particular temp agency, TAC, at $10 an hour, for three months, then maybe, if they're lucky, they'll be hired by Earthlink, may get a juicy schedule, may get more money???? Hell if I know. I took the tests, the written, the computer, filled out the forms, signed my name a hundred times, sat for the interview, but it was that "flexibility" question again, and I could not lie. I couldn't. I apologized for potentially wasting her time, said I had to see, I had to find out for sure, but I cannot be available for ANY schedule for any time of day or night for three months for ten lousy dollars an hour. I'm not that desperate. I went to work and wanted to hug everyone! I HAVE A JOB, I MAKE MORE THAN $10 AN HOUR! I can come home for lunch, I drive 4.5 miles each way, I have 2 weeks vacation a year, paid, three sick days, or is it four? I hate my coworkers (okay, not "hate"), I hate the job (okay, it could be worse), but hey........ Oh, to see all those guys at Earthlink wearing shorts and sandals, like it was the dress code or something, all these people coming into this really nice (!) office building in Midtown, with backpacks and Tevas....unbelievable. I wanted to work there, yeah, sure as shit, I did, but I just can't, I'm sorry. I asked the woman to hold onto all that paper I filled out, please let me consider it if I get fired, okay? We're outsourcing under contract where I work, we may get laid off, I may become desperate...at some point, okay? Please, can I work here then? But now??? Oh, sister, to give up hockey games, dinners out, TV, possible events, concerts, shows, anything social? Who knew I'd be so stuck on the 9-6:00 routine? (Oh, I might possibly get a 9-6:00 shift if I worked there, or 8-5:00, but I might also get 5-1:00, and that's 1:00 a.m. - no guarantees)......."Are you 'flexible' with your schedule????".......um........"If you were to meet with the managers, and it would be a roundtable meeting, they would see it if you were hesitant....."....um........ The carpet dudes mapped out our cubes, we packed more, readying for the big move, the new carpet, this weekend. Linda perked up, started the humming again, talking to herself, joining all conversations, like a rag doll come to life, saying "Yes, yes, yes, yes" to herself, like something good happened, some big secret, and I'm thinking there's a new cube layout and she's privy to it. We are going to be separated, if they have any sense at all. This is long, big smooches to anyone who wants to know about me and my pitiful life to the extent that you've read all this crap! (Remember, I'm 48% gay, so male or female, big smooches! However....I have a special feeling I'd smooch some of you longer than others....) Speaking of my vast audience, those who choose to read my personal diary, as internet voyeurs.....why stop with one page? Say you've been away all weekend, you come back, click on my page, why read today's entry and leave? You're missing the last several angst-filled rants, you're cheating yourself! Cheers! Cost of the War in Iraq
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Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
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