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Saturday, May. 01, 2004 / 9:47 p.m. ~This Will Not Do at All~ Holy Mood Swings, Batman! This day has sucked. My weekends suck, and then I go back to work and I work too hard and I'm tired all the time. Oy, but I am all kinds of horribly depressed right now. I mean it's this spiral-y sort of pit I sink down into, like it's the most natural place to be. I laughed earlier, and it sounded so strange to hear it, and now I can't stop crying, like that's okay too. But it hurts, and my eyes will swell, and this is not right. I think I am supremely lonely and alone, and that things are getting worse for me. I tried to tell my supervisor at work the other day that I'm worried about me, that my memory lapses, and my confusion are scaring me. I'm afraid I won't be able to work, that I'm losing my mind. That each successive heartbreak is going to be THE one to tear me into pieces that can't be put back together. That each disappointment is more than I can handle, that growing old is nothing I can do. And that I don't know how to care for myself anymore. I can't feed myself appropriately, I can't get enough sleep, I can't do basic things, I can't sustain friendships, much less love relationships. I am sad more than I am happy. I don't go out in the sunshine, there is nowhere to go. I lose my balance, I'm dizzy, I cry until my eyes swell to twice their size, I am lost when I'm alone, I am in too much pain and no one can see it. They think I'm aloof, strong, cocky, snobby, stuck up, they don't know I'm terrified and shy and that I think everyone hates me. No one knows what they do to me, they think I have no feelings, that I'm hard and cold, but it's a shell to protect me. I don't know, I just really don't. Why is it so bad today, why do I feel this way? I can't spend every Saturday totally online. It's fun at first, there is so much to do, but then something happens, some interaction with someone I barely know and I'm reminded of how alone I am, how false all this is, how unreal, and now I'm totally out of sorts, I feel so lost. And I can't remember if I fed the cats. They know I'm upset and they're not begging me for food. And the one cat has definite health problems and I'm not taking care of her. I don't want to take her to the doctor, I hate doctors. She is fine, sort of, she is just dying, this is the beginning of major health problems, I've been here, cats get old and they die. Just as I will. I think I'm just afraid, of everything. Cost of the War in Iraq
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