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2001-12-01 / 12:45 a.m. ~The Big Birthday Party, Take 3 - With Requisite Present Opening Orgy~ I love the animated cat at the bottom of my page. Just wanted to write that. I forget where I found it, but I've had it for a long time, it's on my personal page at Geocities too, well, actually, I have pages for my cats, yes I do, and it's on one of them, or maybe both, I forget. I'd update that site, it's three or four pages, and it's pretty good, considering I used Yahoo Page Builder on this machine. Now, since they upgraded their software, and Java freezes this thing, well, I can't do anything with it, just look at it, give the address to people who want to see pics of me, or something. It's a damned shame, yes it is. But that's where I used the animated Kitty .gif before this. I do love Diaryland, it's true. I love what I've been able to do here. It's been up and down for me, lots of bad experiences with people, but not with the site itself. It will always be people who will fuck me over in the long run, it's people I don't like, not web sites, not computers, not anything else really. People. But it's late. I really just wanted to go to bed, but I thought I'd get down a few of my thoughts on Lilly's party tonight before I try to sleep....I was just chatting with Nelson on ICQ - he says he's been thinking of me, and not sexually. So, I said, I made an impression on you, that's good. I made an impression on someone else, a little boy, the son of the tattoo artist who works on S., H.'s husband, Lilly's father. The boy, maybe 4, maybe 5, was at Lilly's party last year too, and at one point tonight he said to me, "I didn't know you were going to be here", and this was when I was playing with him and a big pile of Legos. I said, "You were here last year, right? You remember me from last year?" and he said, "Yes". We left it at that, but I was touched. As touched as I am when I hear Lilly say my name, which is not Joleen, but something more complicated, particularly for the mouth and brain of a 3 year old. Then she switches to a bastardization of my name, which is also a name, strangely enough, it could be my name, sounds like it, but it isn't, and I accept either one, from her. I am amazed every time. I didn't talk to S., nor to H., really. I was there for Lilly. I can't deal with them anymore, there is too much flowing under the surface, like the Matmos in "Barbarella", this oily water, bubbling and burbling, ready to swallow us whole. I was there for the child, to give her the gifts I bought at my Wal Mart excursion last evening, and I did want her to know they were from me, but she was playing with the boy, then finally, way too long after, she came to open her mound of presents, and mine were in the mound. Too many people, and why does H. see fit to invite everyone she comes into contact with? What does this teach her child, who is so shy she can't look these people in the eye? She doesn't know them, H.'s co-workers, their boyfriends, her yoga instructor. Too much. I was thinking back to photos I've seen from my childhood birthdays....just family, and a nice cake. Family, the occasional party with schoolmates invited. Grandparents, etc., sent cards in the mail, always, later they sent checks with the cards, or more likely crisp five or ten dollar bills inserted. But hordes of strangers and every relative still living??? No way. That's too much for a child. It's too many gifts, it's overwhelming. And Lilly was overwhelmed. Finally, she came in from outside, her outfit dirty, and the boy passed her gift after gift to open, she tore into them as fast as she could and once they were opened she turned to get more, not even looking at what was inside the wrapping. It was horrible. H. made notes on a pad of paper, like at a baby shower, who gave what, putting the cards in a pile, not even showing them to Lilly. The card with the sparkly Happy Birthday that I spent several minutes choosing, in a pile. Unnoticed. When Lilly was handed the presents from me I called her name, "Lilly, Lilly, LILLY!, those are from me!", and she handed them to me. She doesn't know the difference between "from" and "for". She thought they were FOR me. There must have been 20 people there at the height of the present opening orgy, no lie. Nope, not exaggerating, might even be underestimating there.... Sick. Oh, and as soon as it was over, the presents in a pile on the floor, people began to leave. We'd done the cake, the child had been horribly consumed with stage fright when it was time to blow out her candles, couldn't even do it, had to get H. to do it, and we'd snacked on some veggies and dip, taken pictures galore, and chatted and seen S.'s pictures from the new home out West.....it was time to go. But for me it was time to play. I sat on the floor and played with the boy, and Lilly, with the Legos, creating wildly unstable structures with cantilevered levels, and had the greatest time. Lilly grew violent, hit the boy in the back, and left the room to go pout. Too much. She has too much. She is spoiled rotten, she was a wonderful child, innocent and pure, and now she is a "spoiled brat" only child. A third generation only child. And her mom wants to give her the moon, I know this, but she lets her get away with so much, it's hard to watch. And H. doesn't clean - we were on the floor playing, a hardwood floor, and it was filthy. Couldn't she have swept, at least, knowing she was having a party? Oh, don't get me started. I've known H. and S. for about 10 years now, and I know how they are. I've stuck with them because of Lilly, but now they're leaving town, moving out West, and part of me is ready to put this relationship to pasture. S. asked me if I'll come visit them, and I was thinking of the cost of airfare, and I said I doubt I'll have that kind of expendable income any time soon. It's not feasible, sorry. He chatted with his friends, the ones with whom they've both become close, closest, and I felt out of touch. When H. said she was sorry we'd not had time to chat, I just said, Oh well. I had avoided her. Meanwhile, her dad was hitting on me. He gave me his card, wants me to send him email. I think he's in between wives right now...... I told him I keep an online journal and he wanted to read it, was fairly persistent in asking for the address, and I said, "It's for strangers!", and he insisted he is strange. Funny guy. I found myself attracted to his insistence, attracted to his attraction to me. It's been so long since ANYONE has flirted with me, I was flattered and had fun. So, I chatted with the old folks, while H. and S. chatted with their friends, who are, by the way, much younger, maybe 24 or 25, compared to S. at 37 and H. at 34. I sat next to H.'s grandfather, heard about the home where he now lives, an assisted living kind of place, and I'm so happy for him, that he has a heated swimming pool, restaurant, cafeteria, movie theater, etc, available to him there, if he wants it. And S.'s dad, and mom, and his grandmother whom I'd never before met. It was fun. I miss having parents, and grandparents. I sat with them while we all waited for it to be time for Lil to open the presents. I also played Legos with S.'s brother, who is my age, and I hadn't seen him since hockey season when they came here, to my place, to watch a game on ESPN....April? May? We ended up talking a lot, about internet stuff, and it was nice. I didn't leave there until 11:30 or so! And Lilly was cranky and rude. Maybe she'll turn out to be a good person, but frankly I kind of doubt it. We are products of our environments. And hers is not the best, it never has been. As I see her get older, I see shyness, insecurity, anger, hostility, violent outbursts, mixed with manipulation tinged with sweetness, and this all puzzles me and saddens me. She had such potential. I don't know that she'll ever be on the right track, or whether she'll grow up as neurotic as her parents. Sad indeed. Who am I to judge? I just know what I'm witnessing, and I've been around since before she was even a consideration. I've seen a lot. I just hate being around her, thinking, "If she were MY child......", when she's not. Maybe she just doesn't do well in crowds. Maybe H. needs to have more quiet birthdays, save the blowouts for the big birthdays, the Sweet 16 Party, the 20 year old party, or 21. Not every year. I don't know. It wasn't good. I'm glad I went, got to see Lilly for probably the last time, and I'm glad I got her some pajamas and an outfit and her Scooby lunchbox. She'll like them, later, when things are calmer. Cost of the War in Iraq
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