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2001-09-11 / 7:11 p.m. ~The Fourth Plane~ I was kinda upset when I wrote the previous entry, earlier today, hence first posting it in BOLD letters. Oops. A little error, made in haste. I only had the PC with internet access for 10 minutes from work. I came home after work, walked in and told the cats, "Aw, you don't know nuthin' bout no planes crashing into buildings, now do you?!" or something similar, and immediately a line from one of my very favorite Soul Coughing songs came to mind...."A man...drives a plane....into the....Chrysler building", and the irony. Every time I heard that song, and it's been awhile since I've heard it because I overplayed it, I would imagine it, I could see it, think how funny that would be. Never did I imagine that a man would drive a plane into the World Trade Center. Never. So, I check my email, all safe and sound from home, furry kitties all innocent and pure, Dan Rather comforting me on the television, assuring me things will indeed be okay, and there is a note from my online friend in Ireland. She knows civil war, she knows terrorism, she sees it all the time, and she is expressing her heartfelt sympathy, her empathy for us, and for me. Being here, dealing with this. How amazing is that? All day people reminding each other that this happens daily around the world. Don't tell ME that. I marched on the fucking Pentagon two years ago when we were bombing the hell out of the former Yugoslavia. What was it like for those people to deal with bombs dropping from the sky every day? People here felt nothing for those people, just wanted us to bomb Serbs, to kill Milosevic. Well, there's "collateral damage" every day, now isn't there? What a huge fucking wake up call for us, eh? Now it's our turn. Do we deserve it? Does anyone? (A note added here to say I do indeed know the difference between war and terrorism, but to me it's all killing. Murder, capital punishment, air strikes, terrorist strikes, it's all killing, isn't it?) I got to work early for a change, all self-centered, me, me, me, I don't want to be fired, I don't want to be warned again for being late, I want to be early, I want to jump right in, I am going to sort the FAXes, I am going to sit early, five minutes before I'm even supposed to be there, and start my job. Have a little music to work by, turn on the radio, and...what's this? What the fuck? Is the morning crew playing a joke? Is that Bryant Gumbel? On the radio? A plane did what? The World Trade Center? Huh? No accident? Wait, everybody, listen to this, and I'm grabbing people, everybody, listen!.... And then another plane, no accident, this is real, and I process mail, I'm sorting, I'm listening, my stomach is flipping around inside me, adrenalin surging, omigod, omigod, omigod. All day, the radio, everyone has one, we're all listening, what station are YOU on, who is on NOW??? And it goes and goes and goes and I want it to stop. This plane is hijacked now, CNN is locked down, the Federal Building is evacuating, should we leave, what do we do, what is happening??? All day. At lunch, it's home. Calm, the world is still spinning, surprisingly, the traffic still on the roads, the sun is shining, nothing's changed, not here. We're okay, it's all okay. Then the video, and I see it, and I can't eat lunch, my stomach is churning, the shot of the person in the window, on what floor?, waving the light colored cloth, a shirt?, I don't know, waving it, waving it, like what will happen? A ladder raised to the 80th floor? That person is dead now. All those people dead, and back at work Lulu and I are talking body parts, you know those people are in pieces, how will they identify them, and it's too much. We sit and listen to the radios, the phone rings once or twice an hour, we process our documents, but we're shaking, K. is upset. We stopped, early, very early, for a prayer circle and I joined in. It felt like the thing to do, Lulu preaching, praying, her voice strong and loud, me locking arms with Linda because she is so sick and afraid to hold hands with anyone, doesn't want to contaminate, and I hear K. crying, I look and she is sobbing and I cry too, I can't help it, but I make myself stop. I won't do that, this is not me, this is someone else, another city, another state, I feel, but I won't cry as if I have the right. But I say "Amen", and I didn't pray, not really, I merely wanted the closeness, I wanted the bonding, to say, Yes, I feel this, this is too much, let's find a way to deal with this. Home now, and a viewing of any video on the screen, hear the people crying, screaming, it's too much, the one falling to his death, the intensity of the moment there, to see again and again. Too much. I choke up, want to cry again, feel I could open up and let loose a floodgate, but I won't. Part of me feels we set ourselves up for this. That it's about time we got slapped back, that we, and George W. especially, have been cocky long enough, that we need to recognize there is a whole world out there, we are not in a vacuum, our actions affect everyone, and we must be held accountable for those we've killed, and we must be prepared to be attacked. I don't know the reason for what happened today, but some people see the World Trade Center as a symbol of who we are, and I suppose it was. To me it was a really tall couple of buildings, one of which I went to the top of. I have the pictures to prove it. 110 stories, and what floor did they let us up on? I don't remember. But I was there. And today it's gone. It's fucking gone. There - is - no - more - World - Trade - Center. And Lisa's little boys were there too, this summer, visiting family, and the ten year old wants to know why? And who? And what does she tell him? And how does she tell him he can't go back up there anymore? I said, tell him there are bad people in the world, and they do bad things, and we don't get to know why. We can just try to keep them from doing bad in the future. And "Amen". But.....there were 4 planes hijacked. Two hit the twin towers, one the Pentagon, where I marched June 5, 1999, listened to speeches on the lawn, wanted to save the Balkans, and the fourth plane????? Pennsylvania? Where was it headed? And who is the hero who kept that plane from destroying the White House? Or wherever it was headed? What else could've happened? Are they through with us? For now? How does George fix this? What does he say at 9:00??? Today...."A man....drove a plane.....into the..........". Cost of the War in Iraq
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