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2001-07-13 / 1:27 p.m. ~Touched~
The weather has changed. The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, the wind is blowing, the temperature has dropped. It makes quite a difference. The emotional weather has changed as well. Moon in Aries, and I am energetic, I feel it, I want to socialize, I want to share, I want to talk, but today is not yesterday and I cannot force myself anymore. Today I brought more photos, not sure why, but I picked up my zoo photos yesterday, finally had them processed, and wanted to share. Wanted to share some others too, then thought WHY? Why am I doing this? Sure, they pretend to want to see, but they don't share what they think. No comments. And Lisa wants to see, "I want to see your pictures, I want to see them next", then she says nothing afterward. What do I feel? Abused. Neglected. She takes things from my desk, my post-its, my things, others' things, she does not appreciate anything given her, just takes and takes and takes. I just want appreciation when I bring in the newspaper article she asked about, copy it for her and take it to her cube. I just want a "Thank You". Sure, you can add a "That was really nice of you to do that for me", but it's not required. I give up. Here's my Free Will Astrology horoscope for this week, and it couldn't be more accurate: "Would you cover your eyes to shut out the darkness? Of course not. Would you close your mouth to protest injustice? Hell no. So please, Aries, as your need to be touched grows to fever-pitch intensity, don't stop reaching out. I'm not talking about begging and groveling. But the weird thing is that you will end up begging and groveling at a later date if you try to repress your awesome longings now. The best approach is to adapt the Goldilocks strategy: Find the middle ground between desperation and aloofness." Problem is I can't seem to find that middle ground. And apparently I do need to be touched, literally and spiritually. I am reaching out.....and my hand is not finding anything out there. It's a horrible lonely feeling. People disappoint me. None of us are consistent, no one is dependable, no one but myself. I am here for me, I understand me, I appreciate me, I love me, I do, at least I try to, it's acceptance mostly, but no one else does. And this makes me question the whole point of me being surrounded by people. What is their role? What is the purpose of them in my life? Why do I want to share who I am if the comments are either, "Wow, you're this, you're that, you have a lot of stuff, how do you move?", etc., etc., or nothing at all? Is this all I can expect? Criticisms? Nothingness? There is no middle ground. Aloof I shall become, and remain. I can't continue like this because it makes me sink, way down low, into some deep and very dark place I know too well, a place I try to avoid. Cost of the War in Iraq
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