|
Saturday, Nov. 13, 2004 / 6:56 p.m. ~The Wrong Tack~ I know, for a fact, that I don't respond like the average person, to anything. I'm not average, to say the least. Tell me to go away, even throw in a 'please', and if I feel we still have something between us, even if it's in the past, I'm not one to let up. I don't give up easily. I do forgive, I don't necessarily forget, but even if a longstanding apology is owed to me, I'm not one to sever ties. And I don't respond well to a dictum that states that closure has been achieved on the other end, and mine must come from within. No, no, no, I may live in the past, this may be true, but I use the past as an exploratory tool to understand the present. It's all there, in the past, everything which brought us here now, today, all that led us to this place, and all that causes us to feel as we do. I remember the good, I don't forget the bad entirely, but I focus on the good, it's another facet of my 'nature', intense optimism in spite of, in the face of, all chaos and pessimism, all futile attempts at closing one's self off from reality. There is good there, in everyone, and when I look deeply, I can see it. Sometimes it's not very hard to see at all, it lurks beneath the surface, just beneath, other times it resides in a deep well, and my only fault is in expecting everyone to see it as I do. Expecting others to see that good that is in me, and it rises and ebbs, like a tide, but it's always just there, just a scratch and you can see it. Mostly not even that much to bother. I know what I am, what I offer, who I am, and what feelings I have, for I could not be more in touch with all that is me, and for some not to see it and not even try, is beyond hurtful, it's shameful. People come and go, it's true, I've always said, and it will bear repeating, again and again, but they don't need to. And those who leave, for a time, can always return. There is no need to close ourselves off from the bulk of humanity for reasons of perceived injustices, hurts, wrongs, when a little understanding goes a long way here. I do know what I'm saying, I know exactly what I mean to say. I deserve an apology too, I was hurt, I lashed out, I hurt the ones who hurt me, it's the only time I do it, it's unsconscious before it's conscious, it's reactionary, it's unbidden, it's defense mechanism, purely, simply, primal by nature. Injure me and I go for your jugular, depending. It doesn't mean I'm not worth it, what it means is be more careful not to hurt me in the future. Don't walk on eggshells, these are not eggshells, but I am a sensitive person, just like you, and your response to your pain is not to hurt, but to cut and run, when you know the good is worth it. I can look back now and see the good, and I know it's worth it. I know that everything about you, all your shortcomings, a match for my own, is more than worth it. For the good. I see diamonds in the rough. I see beauty in the ugly things, the ugly parts of all of us, and I see hope where there is none, and this is not a flaw in my own character, this is a godsend, this is a gift of extreme naivete and forgiveness, this is newness, childlike optimism and a rebirth at every stage of life. This is a grudge not held, this is a magnifying glass discarded, tossed aside, and this is life with blinders taken off and put back on over and over. I don't fault me for this, I love this part of me, I love my tenacity and my endurance, and my longevity, my unwavering devotion and loyalty to this that makes me more than most could hope to know. It's not even ego, it's awareness, and it's a love for all that I try to hate. I can't do it, I can't hate, I can't carry the grudges that weigh people down in time. I forgive everyone for everything, nothing is unforgiveable, and I would want you, all of you, in my life, at arm's length to preserve my own soul, but some, some close to my chest, to my heart, where there is feeling there still. It doesn't go away because you tell me it should. Fierce beginnings don't leave quietly, they grow and mutate and become obsessions. I live with this, and with hope and desire still, reality close to home inside me, but I can see through it all, and respect the desires of others, and their will, and their strength of conviction, and yet, and yet, and yet, like a child, I want it anyway. Tell me I can't have it and you know I'll want it all the more. It was good, I remember the good, and overindulgence sounds good right now. A little reverse psychology would have worked better, but I would have seen through it. I'd know it just as well as this. And we wonder how much longer, what will make it happen, when will I go away, we want to know, we tire of the game, now don't we? When the next one comes along and memories of you are pushed so far down inside me they remain in a special place reserved for you, but there, not as bright as before. Succeeded by, not replaced. No, I don't respond well to a dictum, nor an ultimatum, nor a goodbye that resonates and echoes until I can hear nothing else. I shut it out, I tune it out, I hear it, but I put it away where I can try to forget that part, and create my own will. And stay in my determined stance, to return to what made me happy, for that is all a child wants, and we are all of us children looking for a way to be happy amidst all the slings and arrows. Life is hard, life is beautiful, I won't be the last to hurt you. And you should miss the good in me, for I brought a smile to your face, and lingered there a while, remain still, in another form not of my choosing. Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |