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Thursday, Sept. 05, 2002 / 11:40 a.m. ~Vicious Lies, Gossip, Prejudice, �Reverse Racism�, I Hate My Job~ I�m reading about testosterone and listening to Beethoven Piano Sonatas. Still, I hear Lulu laugh loudly and is it necessary for me to say how obnoxiously loud I think she is? I am not going to apologize here, but I am going to say something very controversial for this era in which we live. I am really tired of being surrounded by black women all day. That is an honest expression, open to interpretation, no doubt, but again, I make no apology. You might say that I am tired of being surrounded by �these� particular black women all day, but I would tell you that this large office is occupied by approximately 80% black women (in my little department there are 9 black women... and me), and you�d probably say something else, but I�d shake my head and say you haven�t worked here for 4 � years, I have. They are listening to the �black� radio station, which is no doubt now called �Urban�, and right here I must note how I really hate that that word has been adopted as a euphemism for �black�. Urban means of the city life. It does not mean black. It does not mean African American. When I use the word to describe an atmosphere or an event I usually mean to say cosmopolitan (and not the drink) or diverse. So they�re listening to some DJ talking about rap music not representing black people and I spoke up (yeah, chalk it up to PMS, couldn�t help it) and said, �That�s ridiculous, of course rap music represents black people (certain black people), black rap anyway� (knowing there is Japanese Rap, Mexican Rap, French Rap, etc., etc.), and Lulu chimed in (because she doesn�t like white people � I have learned this about her over the past year of working with her) that white people listen to it, and I said it�s not about who listens to it, the issue is who does it represent, and it certainly doesn�t represent white people, that�s insane. Do you listen to the lyrics? Hell, Digable Planets� songs are all about Black Power. I wrote an entry about **Yikes, brief meeting interrupts this. Turns out the two �L�s, Laverne and Lulu, went through D., the Supervisor�s hard drive while she was out of town a week or two ago, found a cover letter and told everyone she was leaving. The rumor spread like wildfire (I, the white person, am out of the loop and never heard it) and got to the Manager (M) and she wanted to tell us it has to stop. She is not going to reprimand the offenders. I know it was Laverne and Lulu, I saw them at her PC over and over again, going through her email, etc. Jesusfuckingchrist, she is not going to punish them. How is this possible? How is it possible to commit so many offenses and still have a job?! Lulu is a vicious liar, the kind who will look you right in the eye and lie right to your face, in your eye, lie, blatant, when you know for a fact she is lying. I�ve seen it. The gossip is horrible, the viciousness is horrible. If I could, if I didn�t have common sense, I would walk out of here right this second. I hate this place with such a passion. We all know why I stay. The money is better than I could get elsewhere, it�s insanely close to my home, the work is predictable and easy, yet at times just challenging enough to keep me on my toes� What was I saying? Oh yes, I wrote an entry about Digable Planets� music, about their lyrics, about thinking I was too white to be listening to it, that it�s music not for me at all, music AGAINST me, if anything. But I love their sound. Still, we started with them all going on about that idol show, which thankfully is over now, and then to the black radio station and the proposition that black rap does not represent blacks, and I had to shut up and crank up the Ludwig. I had to back down and be the European American I am, try to forget that they�re right here next to me, that we have nothing, next to nothing in common. That I relish my time away from them. **I just told D. all I know, that I saw Laverne and Lulu at her PC for long periods of time, going through her emails, etc., and that I am shocked they are not being reprimanded, punished, etc., there are NO repercussions � I wanted her to know how wrong this seems when we KNOW who it was. Three people had access, two delved deeper. No question. My goal, and surprisingly I DO have one, a few actually, is to leave here. Of course that has been the goal for a while now. And last year I interviewed at Earthlink, I really wanted to work there, but it would have been a pay cut, and a commute, and hours they could not even guarantee until I was hired. I couldn�t do it, and it killed me. A job at a great company, getting to wear shorts and sandals, or jeans, or whatever, decent money, but less than what I make now, Interweb access, Interweb discounts, email accounts, etc., Fucking Earthlink!, but I couldn�t do it. Large exhale. Major adrenalin rush first thing in the morning never feels good. I�m shaky. I need to read about Hitler and testosterone injections now (did you know he was a proponent? � crazy fucker � I haven�t gotten into it too much yet today, but I�d bet he had them himself!). I�d rather read about penises than think about these people here, their faux Christianity, their hypocritical behavior, these are fucking CHURCHGOING Christians!!!!! Lying, cheating, gossiping. It�s so horrible I can�t tell you. Hey, look, I have to add something to this (I thought it was complete � completely awful, that is! � but it�s not). Last night�s �Big Brother 3� was pretty good. Watching everything that happens on the live feeds, reading the recaps when I can�t watch, etc., I know that a LOT happens between the Saturday show and the Wednesday show, but they really put it all in there. Abbreviated, abridged, but it was there. And they didn�t show Amy inebriatedly falling from the hammock, just as she asked (or pleaded). That was nice. I thought. Then! I watched �Homes of Santa Fe� on HGTV� my goodness, what can I say?! There�s something about New Mexico, and it was said in that show, by the people who�ve moved there, and even Georgia O�Keefe who was quoted as saying she�d been forever trying to get back there after visiting the first time� once you visit, you want to live there. You want to go back. What is it? I was only in Raton, NE corner, just at the Colorado border, but it blew me away with its beauty, the SKY, the vegetation, the ambiance, if you will (will you?). So it was so great to look inside these ridiculously expensive homes, get a look at the froufrou people who live there. I hated most of it, the designs, the furnishings, but the adobes, yeah, the vistas, mmm hmmmm. Will I ever move there? Dunno. The cool thing about Sandy (remember Sandy?) was that he wanted to move there too. When he found out I wanted that too his eyes got big, he almost started drooling, it was so funny. We felt a twinge of destiny, but as he got pushier and pushier, wanting me too much, I backed off and I haven�t talked to him since. I think about him, I�ll probably always remember him, but it didn�t feel right. Anyway, yeah, New Mexico, Santa Fe, mmmmmmmmm. *****Amended to add this: I am re-reading this entry, at home for lunch, and I suddenly realize what the DJ was saying. He finds that rap music represents a small portion of the black pop., mostly young urban males, no doubt, not the entire black race. At least I imagine that is what he meant, and if it is, absolutely, of course. The same way Classical music does not 'represent' Caucasians. The same way Country music does not represent the European American. Music is music, dude. Art is an expression. It is wholly subjective, by its very nature, and it imitates life, as life imitates it. Right now American Black Rap Music seems to be a way out of a certain life for a lot of young men (and some women). But so many of them have little to no 'real' talent, they just want to jump on that bandwagon, get that ride that will bring them to what they think they want/need. Understood. God, white people (myself included, unfortunately) have been so ingrained with Political Correctness that we are terrified to say what we really feel for fear of being thought racist, prejudiced, or evil. Blech, I'm going to leave this entry alone now. It's my diary, and I'm not saying half of what I feel. I am a white person in a black environment, in a black city, at work, at home, almost everywhere I go, and how I was raised has nothing to do with how I feel now - experience changes everyone. Cost of the War in Iraq
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