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2001-12-04 / 6:31 p.m. ~We Have a Lot in Common~ I open the door and Norman Conquest runs out. I am not afraid like I was the last time she did it, ran out and stood on the stairway, wondering, what should she do next, and not knowing, froze in her tracks. This time I calmly call to her, and I'm firm, say, "Norma! Get back inside! Now! Noooooowwwwww!!!", and she does, and I hug her, hold her tight, she means so much, if she got out, went far, never came back, if. Now, she runs, she has eaten, she has energy for two, for two 2 year old cats, not just one 11 year old like herself. She pounces on Gladys and I separate them. Meanwhile, Me'Shell Ndegeocello sings, "Only you....can satisfy me....only you....." on the stereo. Late in the day we talk. We have a lot in common. I knew this. From the first moment I was attracted, I knew there could be something. I knew I liked your music, it's mine too. Now, she says, "I'm so glad you two are getting acquainted, you are so much alike, you have so much in common", and I catch him looking at me, and I wonder if he wonders just how much, if he has an idea that it's not just Me'Shell Ndegeocello we both like, does he wonder who I am at all? I never thought so. I never thought he wondered, nor anyone else. I reveled in being invisible, secure in knowing that in my insecurity I was sure no one wanted to know me. I don't exist. 40 years of life experience has come to this, and I sit alone, to read or work, and know that all of it lies deep inside of me, waiting to be stirred. It's thickened. All of it. He wants to know what I'd tell someone about him. He's intrigued when I tell him I have written of him here, in my diary, and he understands wanting to write, anonymously, for strangers, to share experiences, to lend a bit, give something away, a piece of me, to someone I can never know, but he wants to know what I think of him and I say he's fishing. I feel myself flushing, I'm engaged in a conversation suddenly, with someone I never thought wanted to talk to me. I won't answer, I feel negative thoughts coming to my mind, want to let them fully form before answering, and the phones ring, we stop to answer, there are interruptions, and then more and more characteristics pop in my head, I think of more things I know when I thought I knew nothing. I know you, I know about you, I know what you like, I have an idea of who you are, I hear everything but your quietest whispers, I've heard your desires, your secrets, in hushed tones, some raised just enough to make it to my ears. And I'm telling you now, and you smile, and your eyes get bigger and I wonder what I look like to you. I don't want to know what you think of me, don't want to know how you'd describe me, it will be bad, I know this, but you tell a bit, after I say I know what you know, here is what you'd say, let me tell you instead, you tell me I don't have much to say unless it's about me. And I knew you'd have me all wrong. We have a lot in common. I knew this. But I won't dig deep for you and you won't dig deep for me. I'm waiting. There is more to me lying deep inside than you will ever know, and you may scratch the surface here, now, you may have opened me up enough to look inside and see the light glowing like from some precious object, want to know more, want to dig deeper....but you won't. We'll stop there. And I'll tell you that when I'm comfortable with people, when I'm with friends, I talk a lot, I have a lot to say on every subject, I care deeply about everything, you have no idea. You seem intrigued. I knew we had a lot in common, I know you better than you know I do. You'll see. You'll be surprised. I tell him about Me'Shell's show, and it's only the good parts, and I realize it was a good show, and she is a character, and she has great things to say, so much of herself to share, and he wishes he'd known, I think if only. If only he had known, if he could have gone with me. Now I have a good memory of the music, the beauty, not the standing. That's an anecdote now. "He loves...with sweetness and sincerity....while she may only pretend....", she sings now, and you would have to hear it, the melody, the rhythm, to know what it means, the inflection. Her music is insanely beautiful. Tomorrow I'll bring in the CDs to share with P. She wants to hear, I think. I want to share. He and I have a lot in common, and I knew this, sitting there, all this time, I knew. I kept quiet, I was invisible, but I knew. Cost of the War in Iraq
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